By I. Rabschinski
Milla Jovovich Concentrates On Her American Accent
Hokay. I am liking the Film. Is being a really good invention of the technology for over hundred years now. But sometimes there comes a movie so bad, like sick from the bad food, that I want to vomit in bucket. I will maybe vomit without bucket -- and I think in particular for this piece of diseased pig foot, I will make cream corn on your personal shoes, Okay?
This is The Fourth Kind, starring a woman who fifteen years ago was fashion model who never ate much food, and could only speak the Ukraine, and that not so good. But, they put her in this movie Fifth Kind Of Element with the Bruce Willis, and boom boom, she is big star and slinking around lots of modeling and advertisement. So nice for her.
You Buy Makeup From This Woman? She Looks Like Idiot.
Now, she is thirty-five and gets enough to eat, so no more can she make with the slinky photo shoots and little dresses. Now, she had better be film star for real -- and to do this, she has to speak the Amerikanyets like she comes from the Ohio and not like Kiev.
And, she has done this! Hoo Boy; is miracle! No, I am not kidding you. She sounds exactly like American -- only every little while, she has this slight little thing that happens.
I have pain in my butt to tell you -- but Milla cannot make like the modulation of her voice. No like going up; then like going down. She speaks in weird kind of low monotone: What-do-you-think-this-means-I'm not-sure-don't-put-your coffee-on-table-without-coaster-make-sure-the-Alien-has-some-too-thank-you.
Otherwise, she could like be from L.A. Not that sounding like American is great achievement, you understand what I am saying? (Oh yes you do too.) I am not certain why Slavic peoples seem to do this. Only Romanians and a couple guys I know from TransNestor speak English in some other way. And also myself, of course.
Milla: Just Another The Regular Kind Of Amerikanyets Girl
So: This sucking bad movie is fake inside another fake also. It is rubber chicken head inside of the bread made from cardboard. Ptuh!
Premise for this movie is that a real Doktor, psychological doktor kind of girl, experienced all kind of things with Aliens from the outer space in this Nome Alaska place, which used to be Russian. The movie is supposed to be about real people in the Alaska, and they make movie, supposed to showing Truth about all this -- with girl from Kiev who does such good fake American playing the Doktor.
And she is talking all these people in the Nome, who cannot sleep, because they see this Owl looking at them. Only, is not an owl -- and we know all this before the movie starts, even.
Supporting Cast Wears Funny Caps, Like Guys Wanting Work
In The Downtown Budapest -- Which Is Funny, Because Movie
Scenes In The Alaska Was Shot In Yugoslavia, Okay?
The film Guy is splitting the screen, or cutting away, to show interviews with this "real Doktor lady", Abigail Tyler (What fake name! I guarantee nobody named Abigail in all of America since there was the Tsar). Then, we see Milla saying exactly the same thing. So we think one is real, the other a movie. But the whole thing is being fake. In fact, supposed-to-be-real Amerikan Doktor girl is British actress named Charlotte Milchard.
Не мочиться на мою голову резиновой курицей и скажите мне, я могу арендовать большой автомобиль от вас, Okay?
This Is Whole Thing! This Is Much Of Bad Alien You Will See --
And Is Not Even Alien! Is Only An Owl!
Then her patients are not only not sleeping, they are running crazy with the gunz and shooting wife and kids and dog (well, not dog, because they have no dog), because of this Owl. And they do this with front lawn full of police cars with lots of flashing lights (such bullshit).
And this Owl is all over the place. Tricky Owl, who will always keep weird face to the camera as it moves around him. So effect is creepy -- and that is only special effect this movie has! You never get to see Aliens, and that is rip-off, big time.
Look! Even The Zoidberg, Actual Alien, Thinks Film Is Crap!
The rest of the movie is Milla, and fake interview with awful-looking fake-real Doktor lady Abigail every two minutes. Also people speaking the Sumerian (and with really bad aksent, I have to be telling you), which means something but nobody says what.
I go to University Of Bulgar to learn that film is "suspension of the not believing" -- but this piece of crap the film makes my Uncle Yehudi, who is famous for being funny in his head, look like Most Sane Guy In World.
Also there is the actor Guy, Will Wheaton Guy (Remembering Shock To The System? Armageddon? Or maybe The Postman? Will is the Good, but stuck in big Dog Of Film). And also some children put there to make you feel sorry for them to be in such bad film. There is also no dog, which bothers me.
At least kids got paid. If you are seeing this movie, you will see big Owl face with creepy eyes -- but all you will want to do is stab your own with fork or pencil.
Do not see!
I, Rabschinski, say this -- to Moldavish Guy; you also.
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