Showing posts with label Yes We Can In A Can. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yes We Can In A Can. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

This Is Only A Test

Grand Name Money Game
Testing. Testing; One Two. Testing:
Hot Damn, Viet Nam -- Hot Damn; Viet Nam. 
-- PA Announcer, aboard the RMS 'Magic Christian'
   From the 1969 film by the same name (Full Script Here)
For some reason known only to the great Coding Gods, my return to barking isn't being received by a larger world. Hence this test. Looking for content? Go here.  This is only a test.

If this had been an actual post, you would have been treated to the same low humor and half-considered analyses as are regularly presented here, with a leavening of equal parts egoism and self-depreciating offhand remarks. You would have been directed to tune to 640 AM or 1240 FM to receive information and instructions about, you know; things.

Damn; knew I shouldn't have said all those crazy things about Jeffy and ZuckCo.
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Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Random Barking

Boner


(Photo: Screenshot / Politico; Cincinatti Enquirer, January 2018)

Though a good deal is too strange to be believed, nothing is too strange to have happened.
--  Thomas Hardy, Notebooks
Dateline / Washingtown (Cheese Star)John Boner, former President Republican speaker of the House of Representatives who, rather than be shamed, ran away; a dweller of smoke-filled rooms and possessed of spectacular hairpieces; announced today that he is joining the "advisory board" of  a company which owns "cannabis licenses and assets" in the 30 states where marijuana is approved for medical or recreational use. 
Boner waived away his previous Republican Metanoid, tight-ass, send-druggies-to-prison, Buzz Killington position regarding use and sale of cannabis. "Dude, that was then," the former House Speaker-To-Animals said. "s'like, you know, what's happening now." 
Via a social media monetizing system, Boner said he was making his move because, after retiring from public service, his 'thinking on cannabis has evolved' to embrace selling drugs for money. "I’m convinced de-scheduling [marijuana] is needed so we can do research, help our veterans, and reverse the opioid epidemic ravaging our communities," Boner said. "And I just don't want to get upset by all the [expletive] going down with Donny -- 'Donny The Downer'. He needs to relax, man." 
Reminded that sales of marijuana are still illegal at the Federal level, and that the drug is labeled a Schedule I substance alongside heroin and LSD, Boner said, "Whoa; that's harsh, dude." 
Boner went on to say that Federal prohibition has made it hard for the fledgling marijuana industry in America to evolve as 'those who handle the substance' are unable to open business accounts at banks which are part of the federal reserve system. "You can't handle the substance!!" Boner observed, squinting at a reporter. 
Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo summed up the feelings of many observers, noting, "one day you're Speaker of the House, next you're selling dime bags."
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Sunday, May 22, 2016

Reprint Heaven Forever: The Unspeakable

Packaging The Crazy
 (From July, 2010)




Yes, Virginia; there are sandwiches in a can -- joining the noble canned ham, the Schlitz and Rolling Rock and Budweiser; the deviled ham, and even the little Sardine as items sealed with a shelf life for future generations to wonder at, and bring to Antiques Roadshow.


EXPERT: Well, what you've got here is, obviously, an item known as a 'Candwich', manufactured at the beginning of the century and is -- well, it's a sandwich, in a can. What can you tell me about it?

WOMAN: My father received this in exchange for some work he did during, you know -- 'The Unpleasantness' -- right before the aliens and all that. I don't remember it very well, but when the government came through during the mutant roundups, my father was taken away and we kept his belongings but never looked through them.

EXPERT: So you've had it all this time?

WOMAN: Yes. And we don't do anything with it except sniff it a little.

EXPERT: Okay. Well, this is really quite an item -- I was showing this to some of my Roadshow colleagues, and we were all quite excited. Most material manufactured prior to the alien incursion and the mutant wars either didn't survive, or was heavily contaminated and had to be destroyed. But this one stayed in your family's possession, and we have to presume you were in a Federal shelter? And it was scanned, of course.

WOMAN: Oh, yes.

EXPERT: So this one is quite safe to bring to the Roadshow. And in almost pristine condition -- a little oxidation there around the top, but that's normal; it doesn't affect the value, and we wouldn't recommend cleaning it. The colors are bright and clear; a few, small dents on the rear near the bottom -- but, again, for something this unusual, that's not an issue. We were shaking it a little while ago, weren't we, and --

WOMAN: -- We could hear the sandwich inside!

EXPERT: Yes, we could! (Laughs) I wouldn't want to eat it, though. So, do you have any idea of its value? Have you ever had it appraised?

WOMAN: No, not really. My sister thought we should have it placed in one of the memorial ships that are fired into the Sun, but we never did.

EXPERT: Probably a good idea that you didn't. Now, I know of only three Candwich cans in existence -- and only one of them still has the sandwich inside! Another thing is that this appears to be the only Peanut-Butter-And-Strawberry Jelly Candwich anyone has ever seen.

WOMAN: My Beck! For fun, now; no; really?

EXPERT: Really really. Two of the three sandwiches in a can are in museums in Paris and Jerusalem, and the third was sold at auction just after the 25th of Cunegonda this breeding period -- for six point eight Trillion Quatloos!

WOMAN: Oh! Oh! Oh!

EXPERT: Yes; and I would estimate this, in a retail setting, if it were sold, to be worth at least that much, probably closer to nine or even ten Trillion. I would use that figure for insurance purposes, and it easily qualifies for Class Two security coverage as a cultural relic.

WOMAN: I'm just so thrilled. I had no idea.

EXPERT: Yes. Not every day you find out you could buy yourself whaling rights in the Sea Of Japan, eh? Well, we're just so happy you brought this to the Roadshow. We'll provide you with an armored 'bot to take this back to your breeding compound.

WOMAN: Thank you; now I can buy my sister back. All praise to the Leader!

EXPERT: All praise to the Leader.


Friday, February 26, 2016

Reprint Heaven: More Unspeakableness

An Entire Chicken In A Can

(In the "It Can Always Be Worse" category, we have this offering, from 2011.)



Even H.P. Lovecraft Could Not Have Envisioned The Badness

This isn't going to become a regular item -- but another thing in a can was made known to me recently. As a Dog, I'll eat a wide variety of food (and the occasional non-food) items -- but even this is too much for me to contemplate: Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken.

It Emerges: Ia! Ia! Sweeta Sue Chiken ARRROOOOOO!!

First, the unsuspecting housewife releases the Thing from the chamber where it slumbered. Then, without warning, it grew -- and grew, and began to threaten mankind with the unbelievable fury of unleashed cosmic forces!!!

And, as we all know, you don't want to mess around with Cosmic Forces.


Unleashed, The Beast Began An Orgy Of Feeding --
But, Only In North Beach And Fisherman's Wharf

ANNOUNCER: We're here on CBS Sportstalk Radio; I'm Bob Hampton, and we're talking about the giant tentacled monster that's making life a little hectic for the drive-time commute in the Bay Area this morning... And how about those Giants, huh? Will the Raiders make their move to Santa Clara? Let's take your calls.... Hello, you're on CBS Sportstalk 96.

CHTULU: Hi, Bob; this is Chtulu from Ryleh. Love your show.

ANNOUNCER: Thanks. Where is Ryleh? Is that Contra Costa County, near Pinole?

CHTULU: Actually, it's an ancient city, sunken deep in the ocean for many, many Millennia, and initially a base for many of the Old Ones. You see, the history you've been taught about your world, and the Universe, is about as wrong as Y. A. Tittle staying in football past Forty. Many things existed on Earth, long before human history began. And, one of them was Me -- I've been out the loop for a while, but I'm back now and just wanted to AAARRRRRRRROOOOOO!!!!


Sorry about that, Bob. It's just so good to be out.

ANNOUNCER: Uh-huh. You just get out of the Big Q, huh?

CHTULU: Not a prison as you would understand it, Bob. But I was just listening to your program this morning and did want to comment on the appearance of the 'tentacled monster' you mentioned a moment ago.

ANNOUNCER: What's your comment?

CHTULU: Well, you see -- the stars are right, Bob, and the Great Wheel has come around; and it's time for the ancient forces that once ruled this planet to assert themselves. So I don't think anyone should be surprised when they open a can of something like a whole chicken, only to have it transform into something as big as the Bank Of America building in a matter of hours and threaten all of human civilization.

ANNOUNCER: Okay. Did you catch the Giants' game last night by chance, Chtulu?

CHTULU: What?

ANNOUNCER: Did you see last nights' game?

CHTULU: Bob -- with all due respect; I'm a long-time listener, and I've always liked this program -- but we're talking about a radical shift in human consciousness, here. We're talking about the most beautiful mysteries, and the most terrifying nightmares, of humanity made manifest in this world simply through the energy of thought. This is an event that's... well, it's Galactic in its implications, and frankly, Bob, in light of that I'm a little less interested in what Buster Posey will or won't do this season.

ANNOUNCER: [Pauses] So you're saying Posey won't do well heading into the season?

CHTULU: ... Bob -- try focusing a little. There's an Octopus the size of Cleveland out in the Bay. I see on CNN that they're considering carpet-bombing the Golden Gate with nerve agents -- nerve agents, Bob.

ANNOUNCER: All right; well, that's interesting, but I'd say Posey's gonna have a great season with the San Francisco Giants, and we look forward to that.

CHTULU: Not going to mean a thing if he gets eaten, Bob.

ANNOUNCER: Okay; and we thank you for your call. Hey, the time is 11:30, and whenever you just don't have time to spend on meal preparation, Sweet Sue's Whole Chicken In A Can can help!

The Peasants Begin To Understand: They're Doomed --
In The Horrifying Tales Of The Plush Chtulu!

After all, while Sparkle Christmas Tree Sweater Bear, for example, was a friend to all boys and girls, and Ellie the Happy Elephant was beloved by all who knew her, neither they nor any of the other animals commanded a worldwide fanatical cult of believers ready to do their bidding, not to mention being an ageless, indestructible creature from Beyond the Stars.



Tuesday, January 12, 2016

We're All Good

Liveblogging The STFU

You've Been A Tough House; G'Night !

 Ah, another year passes us by, and already it's nearly time for the Pepsodent to deliver the annual 'Feel Good About Ourselves' speech, the State Of The Union, which I refer to as the STFU. And we will be performing our little Dadaist liveblogging as we go with Nopence, rolling, rolling home (poor wife).

It was established in the Constitution that the Prestident would, from time to time, show up and report out on how everything is in This Great Land Of Ours. And we will be there, listening to Herr Obama's last speech in The Big House, and watching the capering antics of  Rethugpublicans and Der Amerikanischer Tea Partei in this, an elective year.  And there will be a Rethuglican Response to the STFU! Americans are so cruel. And fortunate.

We want you to know that watching the STFU has resulted in animal behaviors, which  may include dry mouth, rapid barking; sudden and irreversible loss of bowel and bladder control; the temporary inability to move. But it's delicious and keeps you in balance through new Eco-Boost technology. Check with your Doktor before STFU.

Ooops; sorry -- I'm already liveblogging the commercials. As usual, we're tuned to CBS, the network of Uncle Walter, and Eric, and Dan What's The Frequency. It makes me feel happy but at the same time not so happy because we are proud -- the key is to change how people see us. And Thus the STFU will be America's best-selling brand and only at your Ford dealer. It's all theater, man. All In The Game, Yo.
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6:03 PM:  John Dickerson and Norah O'Donnell of CBS tells Scott Pelley everything. This is about larger ideas in a circle, and this is an early STFU because of elections and the Pestident wants to put on Trump's cap.  Margaret Brennan has been at the White House all day and is tired but still they pester her with questions. Scotty is so cruel.

Little Paulie Ryan is the new Speaker-To-Animals, and took a dim view of this STFU. He just wants to tell the Poptent to STFU already.

6:06 PM:  The Sargent At Arms is bellowing; the Perterdunt is marching, marching down the aisle; yes we see him, blocked by a man with a camera. Camera Persons are so cruel. The Punterdant is slapping shoulders in manly fashion. As in past STFU's, man Republigan members (read: Dicks) are dressed in windbreakers and jeans, as if they have somewhere else to be that involves housecleaning or barbecue. Clearly their focus is elsewhere.

Herr Obama has offered an Olive Branch to Paulie Ryan, and is giving his speech to people now. Not as cool as getting a nice book of porno, but Paulie gets to say he has a rare privilege and here's That Guy.
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6:11 PM:  I understand that because it's an election season, it will be constructive, and I'm hoping we can work on some bipartisan priorities, like helping people battle each other and  -- who knows! We may go easy on the year ahead. Don't worry, I have plenty and the progress we make will be about fixing, protecting, equality, and raising the minimum things that matter to hard-working families. I want to get 'em done.  And terrarists plotting a half a world away.

America has been before. Each time, we have been afeared of people who just got something that threatened to take America out of control. In the words of Lincoln, We Fought A Gnu; We acted Like A Gnu. And because we did -- the opportunity made us better than before, with horns.
The Gnu, Which We Fought, And Became.
6:16 PM:  What was true then could be true now -- because we are unique and separate from history, discovering adversity and committed to ruling law, and will secure prosperity forever.  That's how we recovered from The Great Crash (Applause, from Democrats -- Little Paule Ryan is sitting behind Herr Obama like a mannequin).

Will we face the future with calluses and be better, or talk about the future?  There are Four Big Questions, regardless of whether Donald Trump paints the White House Puce.  (1)How Do We? and (2)How Do We?  (3)How Do We? And Finally, How Do We?

6:22 PM: There is a basic fact about the economy -- We have  the most virile economy in the world; we have a giant member. More than 14,000,000 feet long, all grown within the year. It's just part of a surge that has been done on the cheap. Anyone who says America's economy is in decline is Battling A Giant Fiction. You've seen them in Hollywood movies; they're Big Fictions.

But because corporations are disloyal and can do whatever they want, America's workers work hard and shake themselves fairly, but are concerned. We make progress out of thin air, and need to make more.

Americans, Broads or No, agree they need to be trained. No Child Left Behind was sadly abandoned somewhere but we made it do a Thing it could not do (Applause). Every student was offered hands to be on with their teachers, and there were laws.

We have to make every American affordable (Applause).

All of us here in this Chamber are doin' great (Laughter). But everybody else in Murrika needs to spend time and effort to retrain, whether they want to or not.  It's the new digital economy that will be here now, and we must train, train or not eat.

Let us strengthen Social Security (All Rethuglicans sit, hands folded, sour faces: Death To Grandma and Grandpa! Useless Eaters !  Free Markets Will Lift Or Sink Their Boats!)  I guess we won't agree on Health Care, and you laugh out there -- but there are other ways we can work hard to make sure that a person who loses a job can still pay his bills; and that's how we make the economy better.

Speaker To Animals Ryan has said things (Applause).  But there are some areas which we have found in seven years -- it's an honest disagreement; Paulie wants big bloated corporations to do whatever they want and I just want the red tape to go away (Applause).

6:30 PM:  But working families will allow big banks and oil companies to do what they want. Food Stamp recipients didn't cause Wall Street; those decisions were made by average families who sit in Board Rooms. Workers need more, not less. Rules should work for them or be fired. I want to spread Best Practices, like Best Foods, across America with a giant Best-Spreader.

How do we ignite things sixty years ago? America is every immigrant racer in Silicon Valley; that's who we are. More low-income students and online tools will be brought together, but we can do so much more. Vice-President Biden worked with the National Science Guys to do things to cure cancer.

(Applause for Joe, whose son died from cancer -- but not from Little Paulie, sitting right next to him.  Inhuman Stupid Fucker = cruel).

6:35 PM:  Ever if the planet was 2014, even if it wasn't Global Warm 'n Toasty, would you pass up the chance to make a buck off of it? (Applause) Seven years ago we made investments in fields, and on rooftops and in jobs that, by the way, environmentalists and Tea Parteigenossen have come together to support (Applause).

Now we must accelerate, especially in communities that are fossilized. That's why I will push to reflect taxpayers, putting money and workers in those communities (Applause, but never from the Thugs). The planet, we will preserve, and that's for our kids. How am I doin'?

6:40 PM:  All the rhetoric about our enemies getting stronger? The United States Of America Has the biggest Dick in the Universe (Applause) We spend more on our military, our troops have all the Morse in the history of the world;  nobody fucks with us because they know they don't call Bejing or Moscow, people call us. It's useful, because it's a dangerous time.

The Middle East dates back to economic headwinds in China that are contracting in Russia or Ukraine, and slipping away. The international system built after WW2 won't keep pace with us. We have to remake that system, with priorities.

(1)Protecting America's networks. Both Al-Kiadea and Eyesil use the Internet, and we have to focus on destroying them, but its not WW3. Guys on the back of pickup trucks? They're not a threat to our national existence. They don't represent Islam (Applause, but not from the Rethugs). We have to be rooted out. (Applause)

6:45 PM:  If you people are serious about taking out ISIL, vote for it. The American people should know that justice can be done -- just ask any of the people we've taken out in drone strikes.  We remember stuff and we'll just wait for you. Our foreign policy is focused on the threat of Eyesil, everywhere; many places may become new safe havens for The Bad. The world will look to us to solve everything.

Fortunately, there is a smarter approach; America will always act -- it's why we have Hollywood. That's our approach to places like Syria, where we can't seem to pull a coalition together;  but look at Iran -- where we asked them not to build a bomb but they can jack up our navy as if they were North Korea and we will let them because Freedom.

The Pacific Trade Agreement is the right thing because so many Rich People want it. It will mean Good Jobs at Good Wages. Pass it, like a kidney stone. Call for a vote on the environment if you're so tough. The point is, American leadership is not where we kill terrorists or occupy things. It means around the world that we see our national security is in leaving nearly 200 nations to themselves.

The power of example is American leadership, rejecting any policies that targets people because of race or religion (Applause, but -- you know. Fuck these people). The world respects us for our diversity. Pope Francis told us that imitating murderers is the best way to take their place. When Mosques are vandalized, we aren't safer  -- here, anyway.  It betrays who we are as a country (Little Paulie refuses to applaud).

We The People -- our Constitution, we recognize as insisting we rise and fall together, so we can perfect our nation. So here's number 4:  The future, all of it, in it's glowing and pustulent glory, is within our reach, but it will only happen -- and I'm on a roll, preacher-style, now -- if a better politics is needed. I'll try to be better, my fellow Murikans.

7:00 PM:  Good people in this chamber want things to be elevated but feel trapped by the noise comin' out of your face. It's the worst-kept secret in Washington. But if we want better politics, it isn't enough to change our leaders, we need to change the system (Democratic applause). At least nobody is yelling, "You Lie!" at me this time.

This is America (looks around, as if unsure). But changes in our political process aren't just Who gets elected, but how, and when the American people demand it.

The problem is, all the folks who were elected believe our actions and words don't matter. People with money and power want greater control. And as frustration grows, voices will urge us to become tribal, and we can't afford it because the economy contradicts everything that makes us who we are. Whether you supported my agenda or not, our collective futures count on you to stand up for the weak. Somebody, somewhere, stood up for us.

7:05 PM: When I am no longer in this office, I will have traveled so far.  I will hear the voices -- immigrant, straight, native born gay, and Doctor King -- they don't have a lot of potential, they don't say a lot, but I hear them. All the time. In daily acts of citizenship.  I see the worker clocking, the boss paying, and the dreamer who stays up late. And the early teacher, because she knows a grrl may cure a disease. The brave, private work of keeping us safe.

I see us all. None of them understand that elections have been bought out from under them, but that's the America I know.  Unconditional -- because I believe in the American people. I am as confident that I am, God bless you.
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Little Norah O'Donnell reminds us that Herr Obama "seemed defensive at many points", and has an overall approval rating of 45% (Norah's overall approval rating is 10, but we're not here for that). So cruel, Little Norah.
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The Rethug Response
 
(The Reptilian response was delivered by Governor Nikki Haley of South Carolina, a god-fearing, non-Caucasian female.)

Good evening. I am from a capitol of our state. It's rich, and in just a minute I want to say just a few words about Barack Obama. They may be bad words. He inspired millions, just as Herr Hilter did, and he had respect, but sadly the Prestident's office feels the squeeze of health care and crushing debt, and chaotic unrest. Even worse, we are facing a terratrist threat he is unable or unwilling to dealt with. No one can keep you safe but paid killers, those without principle or moral order. So thank god you have Repustlicans then.

Now let's talk about the future, and neither am I. You and I are frustrated, and it has built up year after year. We need to be honest -- Democrats bear all the responsibility, but so do others, though I don't say who, though I mean Trumpolina.

We need to accept erosion, and in the foundation of America, which never went anywhere. It's right here. I am the proud owner of living in this country, growing up a Foreign Darkie in the rural South, as long as we were willing to work for it. And we had each other or else.

Our shores have been here for generations for people, time and again. Today, we have recent memory. In ancient times, we resisted the temptation to allow our tradition to open our borders. We can't allow immigrants -- and I am kind of an immigrant, telling you -- we must stop it, and welcome the legal people. I have no doubt we can protect our sentinels, all true to America's noblest something.

On an ordinary Wednesday evening, people came and joined us. They didn't sound like us or look like us but were pregnant and what happened after the tragedy we must remember. Our people had violence, but had vigilance because we turned towards god -- the things that divide us. The hate that filled up. God of money, god of vengeance.

In many parts of society, the media has a tendency to think some people must be the loudest voice to make a difference. And it can make a world of difference. Republicans will stand up loudly in the room, for our beliefs. We will be heard, and all about America. We will do everything, as we have always said we would -- but this time, we are actually letting you keep your dog.

As a cornerstone of our Democracy, again, we have a Second Amendment celebrated, and not the other way around. An armed country will make others think twice. We would actually strengthen our military. Because when we fight, we win, except for Vietnam and Iraq and Afghanistan and Kent State.

Our forefathers weighed us. America; the finest country for men -- and women !
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And for all the rest of us -- The Smell Of Inevitability is ahead.  Fasten your seat belts:

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Tuesday, January 20, 2015

It's Amazing At The Grit You Can Come Back From When You Have To

Livebogging the SOTU, Again

(Courtesy That Invasive Google Street View Van)

(In Davos, the drinking game for watching the SOTU is, "Every time this idiot says, 'I believe America _____', then we have shots of Japanese single-malt, 20 years old, at $900 a glass ! We've already bought most of the politicians in that room, so who cares what he wants?")

6:20 PM PDST -- (The Rethugs sit, hands folded, as the Democrats cheer.They are solemn. They are dressed in housecoats, jeans and windbreakers, like they don't plan to stay long. One is wearing a Chicken hat. Okay; maybe not.)

Everyone can drive fuel-inefficient vehicles because gasoline is so cheap. $750 saved at the pump. "That's real, people (wink)". I will mention 'the economy' 28 times tonight and 'work' 35 times. 

 But it is all about Middle-Class economics. There's this couple who wrote me a letter -- "We're a tough family that has gritty times", or something like that. "It's amazing the shit you have to put up with every day." The usual. And they were this couple falling in love; O to be young and in love in America. 

6:32 PM PDST -- President Boner remains seated on the podium wile Joe Biden stands to applaud The Guy. Why? Hemorrhoids bothering him?

6:33 PM PDST -- Let's make community colleges free to all, so they can learn a skill, be hired by a company which is the property of rich Owners. This helps the Middle Class in some way.

"To every CEO in America, let me repeat: You want to hire somebody who will get the job done and do the job right -- hire a veteran."

It's not the job of government to make everyone better financially. So we must have good jobs at good wages. America has put more people back to work than Eurp and Evr'ybody. We want jobs here in America.

21st century businesses need to sell more 'Muraka overseas, but Chinee wants to write the rules. We should write the rules, and The Guy wants Trade Rules -- that will rully keep Chinese hackers and thieves of intellectual property in their place. And cyberbullies.

6:39 PM PDST -- I want America that was first in so many things to be first in other things. "I intend to protect a free and open Internet" so the next generations of entrepreneurs can flourish -- because that creates jobs. And -- Mars, Bitches!

6:45 PM PDST -- Tonight I ask this Congress to authorize force against Ruh-Roh bad people (tiny applause). Last year, as we were doing the hard work of imposing sanctions, Mr. Putin's  aggressive stance was looked at as a masterstroke, now Sad Vlad's fucked (Right; tell that to the Ukrainian troops around the airport).

6:39 PM PDST --As his Holiness, Pope Francis, has said, "Step Small". We are overjoyed Alan is home, and that generations of wealthy families yet unborn will return to the Jewel of the Caribbean as their private playground.

 Obligatory Cute Larger Animal Photo In Middle Of SOTU

And, don't alienate America from people and things to sanction Iran again, so I'll vote "no". Americans expect us to go to war as a last retort -- no foreign powers should be allowed to cyber-screw with us, especially our kids -- who may be hackers themselves; we don't know! But our children's information is bipartisan. Think of the children, generations of consumers who will pay money to the folks what bought us.

6:39 PM PDST --  Ebola, like a small round ball, has been rolled back, We must invest and eradicate, as we make sure other nations play by the rules -- this is just like the old days when people cared about what the U.S. said and don't anymore.

2014 was the warmest year on the planet and some people are going to Dodge. I'm not a scientist, but the best ones in the world say unless we act strongly, the Pentagon will look at national security. We've done more to act in favor of the environment; that's why we like the idea of cheap oil and gas.

In Beijing we made a dramatic announcement about the environment -- we will be good, and the Chinese will promise to think about considering doing something too maybe.

6:57 PM PDST -- As Americans we have prohibited torture and used drones only when there are women and lesbians and political prisoners to be defended -- and this will make us safer.  It's time to close Gitmo because I said so, long ago.

While some have moved on about our surveillance programs, but not me. We will keep our country safe while protecting and leading with the example of our values. We must keep striving to hold on to ourselves and the highest of standards.

I still believe in long odds. Over and over, I have seen the hopeful graduates and at West Point and mourned in Boston and have watched Americans beat back adversity. I've seen 7 of 10 of us be legal.

7:05 PM PDST -- So I know the good, big-hearted generosity of the American people. How can we better reflect the Americans? I know many of you are on both sides of what you signed up for. Imagine if you weren't selfish, narrow, bigoted and fearful politicos, and instead were as rich as the people who buy you.  We can stay in the gutter or pull young people around.

If we're going to have are guments, let's have guments. Shirley can see something of ourselves in all we uphold as a nation of immigrant laws. I've talked to Rethugs and Demos about that and the right to vote is sacred. And hey, we're officially overtime.

For the first time, the crime rate has come down to protecting and serving all of us. (Applause). That's a better politics. It's what the American people deserve.

I have no more campaign strategies -- I know, 'cause I won both of 'em (laughter).  My only agenda is the only one I have, which is if you disagree with parts of it, I hope you'll work with me -- because I didn't learn from the last time you bait-and-switched me and lied and allowed the Tea Partei to lead and I was sad. And President Boner's hairpiece.

But, you know.  Middle Class economics!

7:10 PM PDST --I want our actions to tell children in America to know we are a people who see our differences in every citizen, black and white, gay, and mental; everybody -- we still know we are more than a collection of red stakes and blue steaks. That we are the United States Of America.

I want them to grow up where a political aide can bring an amazing story from a woman's letter as the place where this speech jumped off and may have gotten badly obscured, because we winged it -- "We are a strong, tight-knit family who have made it through some pretty hard times.. It's amazing what you can bounce back from when you have to". Speak Englich, troop!

We have picked ourselves up and laid a new foundation. A new chapter to work, right now.  I feel your pain, and the Rethugs have picked some Person to deliver their narcissistic response to my vision of The Good.

God Blez you, and Gobbelz 'th United States of America. You've been a tough house.
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The Rethug Response

Joanie Ernst (R - Tea Parteish): On The Importance Of Being Ernst

Rather than respond to the President, I'm going to say in a Chamber Of Commerce way how great the Republican Congress is and the Republican Congress feels your pain in that little way it does, and let me tell you about that small town in Iowa, where I worked construction and was raised to be in the Republican Congress.

You see, when growing up, I wore bags on my shoes along with young Iowans who worked hard, and many families today feel they're working harder and getting less of those bags. We see the hurt, in the Republican Congress -- in cancelled health care plans and everyone more fearful. And less bags. America is hurting -- but when the Republican Congress demanded, there were failed plans like Obamacare.

The Republican Congress will make Congress function again. We want the Keystone "Jobs" bill -- the President, despite being wrong, hasn't done it. It will have minimal environmental damage. Will he sign a bill, or block good American jobs? Let's go over there to Eurp so the Republican Congress can boost simplified tax codes for the well-connected -- flat tax!  Flat tax! Tax the rich even less and all boats will rise, all bags will float!

Obligatory Cute Small Animal Photo In Middle Of Blog Whatever

We're calling on the President now in the Republican Congress. Some of it will occur where I stand tonight, in my Republican cloth coat, mispronouncing 'Al Qaeda', and our hearts can only imagine the two decades I spent in the Iowa National Garde. The innocent are not comprehensive in the Republican Congress.

Bonus Marchers must be prevented by the Republican Congress. The Republican Congress will address things and mail them to unknown places so no one will ever see them again. We will replace a healthcare law that has hurt so many HMOs. We'll do everything! We'll defend and protect because we in the Republican Congress measure our society with coffee-spoons.

America faces big challenges, but look at my parents, who had dirt to call their own. They sacrificed -- and now I am here, truly extraordinary. You just need the freedom to dream big and hard work -- the Republican Congress will do that dirt, with little help from the President. And I can't shut up, I must go on about this great nation and it's veterans and women and the Republican Congress. Thank you thank you thank you.

Republican Congress. You elected us (Smiles).
______________________________________________

Friday, February 14, 2014

Reprint Heaven: Hope? What Was That About?

(Hopey-Changey, Sorta: I keep watching the antics of our current President [his defense of the excesses of the NSA, and his sudden about-turn-support for completion of the Keystone Pipeline, just to name two recent examples]. I continue to be disappointed and wonder why I am at all surprised.

(The financial structure which helped create the 2008 Crash is still largely unregulated -- it's true that some financial institutions have been slapped with fines and exposed for price-fixing LIBOR, insider trading, and malfeasance in using investor funds to shore up losses and cooking the books. But the shadow market in derivatives, for example, is opaque to all but the people who benefit from it, and chugs on unabated and largely unfettered by oversight or common sense.

(I recently saw an estimate [sorry, folks; do your own research] that the amount of derivatives globally is now in excess of $100 Trillion. Should we ever have another Bad Day At The Race Track as we did in September, 2008 (Or October 29, 1929), that part of the iceberg of international finance we can't see will make things very interesting.

(And, I keep watching the antics of the wealthy and privileged -- a bit like running down a two-lane blacktop towards a pickup truck that's driving on, slowly picking up speed. Our Lords and Masters Of The Universe are in the back of the pickup, watching all of us try and catch up to the truck as it pulls away... and the truck just keeps getting father and farther out of reach, no matter how hard any of us run.  From October, 2009.)


(Margaret Bourke-White, Soup Line, From The 1937 Book
[With Erskine Caldwell] 'Have You Seen Their Faces?' )
All right; move along. Nothing to see here. Go on, or I'll run ya in.

According to Glen Greenwald this morning, Adam Storch, VP of Goldman-Sachs' Business Intelligence Group, has been appointed the Chief Operating Officer (COO) of the United States' Securities and Exchange Commission's enforcement division.

Let me repeat: A Vice-President of Goldman-Sachs, the investment firm which participated in ruining the nation's economy, benefited hugely from the Bush TARP program and the Obama continuing bailout; and has current former employees in key positions in the current administration; will be in charge of enforcing securities and trading regulations for the financial industry in the United States.

( MEHR, u. SPATER: And the 29-year-old Storch is only one of quite a long list of former Goldman employees in the administration.  That people in finance take positions in government isn't unusual --  but past a certain point the numbers alone are surprising.)

Uh-huh. I've broken up a larger paragraph of Greenwald's post below to make a point:

In October of last year [Greenwald writes], a Goldman-Sachs Vice President, Neel Kashkari, was named by former Goldman CEO and then-Treasury Secretary Hank Pauslon to oversee the $700 billion TARP bailout.

Bernanke; Ex-Goldman CEO Paulson; Lil' Boots (Photo: MSNBC)

>> In January of this year, Tim Geithner hired a former Goldman-Sachs lobbyist, Mark Patterson, to be his top aide and Chief of Staff.

>> In March, President Obama nominated Goldman-Sachs executive Gary Gensler to head the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, which regulates futures markets, even though (or "because") Gensler confessed to lax regulation during the Clinton administration over the very derivative instruments that caused the financial crisis.


The National Debt As Percentage Of GDP (Matt Yglesias, 10/3/08)

>> In April, Goldman hired as its top lobbyist Michael Paese, the chief aide to Rep. Barney Frank on the House Financial Services Committee, which Frank chairs.

Of course, only an irrational, raving conspiracy theorist would believe that any of those events have any connection at all to this, from today's Washington Post:


"The nation's largest banks, preserved from failure by federal aid and romping in markets revived by federal aid, are racking up vast profits even as the broader economy struggles to emerge from recession . . ."

"Goldman said it earned $3.19 billion between July and September, nearly the most it has ever made in three months, a record it set earlier this year."

(Billboard, Connecticut Ave. and Morrison St. NW, Washington D.C., 2009)

Worldwide economic collapse was avoided after the Fall of 2008. It should surprise no one that after the U.S. Government transferred trillions of dollars to the banking and investment sector, then that sector's performance improved.

But if the surviving banks are bigger and more powerful than before the crisis and crash (which is not over), if they are not subject to greater, independent scrutiny and regulation... then one of the primary stated goals of the government -- to eliminate the risk and ensure that circumstances which caused the economic meltdown would not happen again -- well, that's just a complete failure.

This was one result of the Crash of 1929, through New Deal legislation -- creation of the SEC, a regulatory agency which had never existed before. It was part of a sweeping reform of both the securities and banking system, which we need now, badly -- and won't get. Because the fix is in.

(Source: Contexts.org; Data through mid-2005)

What's occuring isn't free-market Capitalism. It's gaming the system for a narrow group of players which benefits them, enormously, while the remainder of the population suffers and struggles.

It's trickle-down, Supply-Side, We-got-ours-and-fuck-the-rest-of-you Darwinism that favors the top one-tenth-of-one per cent of the population. I'm sorry to disappoint the Teabaggers, but this isn't 'Socialism' at all. It's theft.

Why is the President allowing this to occur? Like any crime, you ask Who has motive? Who benefits? and, Who can get away with it?
...

The Financial Services Committee in the House -- Representative Barney Frank's committee (remember Michael Paese? Frank's former top aide; who now works for Goldman?) -- yesterday passed a bill to regulate derivatives which Greenwald says "is so filled with loopholes it may end up exempting most industry players" -- an absolute benefit for Goldman-Sachs.

Greenwald concludes, That the administration continues, so brazenly, to place Goldman-Sachs executives in the very government positions with the greatest power over the financial industry illustrates how little effort is devoted to hiding what is really taking place.


Our political circus -- the 'Birthers', 'Teabaggers'; Limbaugh, Beck and Bachmann -- only keeps our eyes off the People Behind The Curtain. Those sparkly, shiny, noisy advertisements on teevee beckon us on, to a future filled with consumer goods and elite access that can never be ours. 99% will live in prefabricated dwellings, while the %0.10 live in the sort of safety and comfort, for themselves and their children, that we will never even see a photograph of in one of Rupert Murdoch's Fox Tabloids.

Better Than The Goddamn Reds! -- ad campaign of the American Industry Council, 1935,
showing all three major billboards in a series (The central one appeared in Bourke-White's photo,
Soup Line) Life, however, was much harder for most people than these ads portrayed.
For those running the show, it always pays to promote cognitive dissonance.

Meanwhile, the same groups of players, more or less, manage to benefit year after year and generation after generation. Does anyone believe that 'former' employees of Goldman-Sachs, now in government, won't make decisions which protect their friends? And after four or more years on small government salaries, where will they go? Back to work at Goldman, of course.

In 2001, it was a huge tax cut for the upper 2% of America's population. This time, in 2008 and 2009, banks and investment houses are being handed our money directly, and with little oversight as to how they use it. They certainly aren't lemnding more money -- which was the point of the bailout, to free up capital to lend, stimulate the economy and create jobs for the millions out of work.

But, no. Instead, they're holding on to the Bush-TARP and Obama-bailout funds. They're paying out huge bonuses to their executives. They're continuing to squeal that things are hard, and that they may need more money.

Didn't we just have an election, which in part was about a corrupt, incompetent, Rich, Frat-Boy leader who dragged the country into debt and an utterly mismanaged war, while he and his "Have and Have Mores" friends did so very well?

Who was all the Hope you spoke about for, Mr. President?
Everybody knows the dice are loaded,
everybody rolls with their fingers crossed;
everybody knows the war is over;
everybody knows the good guys lost

-- Leonard Cohen

Monday, February 21, 2011

Yes We Can Can

From Japan With (Blow Up Girl) Love

$2.80 US Gets You A Short Stack, Butter And Syrup; In A Can

All right; given all the changes occurring in the (non-Western) world, it's time to inaugurate a New Blog Category: Yes We Can In A Can, featuring the stupid and irredeemably bizarre amazing things one can get which come to all of us in This Modern World, in a can.

You've already seen the Sandwich In A Can™, and Sweet Sue's Whole Chicken In A Can™. Now, we bring you Pancake Essence Beverage by the Japan's Dydo Corporation (a division of Nataka Heavy Machine Industries. Okay, we made that part up).

Join His World-Family-Revolution For Cleanliness, Or Die
(Homer Simpson As 'Mister Sparkle', circa 1994)

Apparently, this is a drink which appears to resemble tea with milk, yet tastes like a stack of pancakes with butter and maple syrup -- hence the idea of an "essence" drink, providing a simulacrum of one kind of experience in the guise of another.

The Japanese also make amazingly lifelike Love Dolls, too... the majority of which resemble pre-teen girls, a sad commentary on the state of the sexual tastes of at least one sector of Japan's male population.

A 'Candy Girl', With The M-Series Body: $10,000 US, Please

They aren't the sort of inflate-o-doll you can buy in the 'secret section' at Wal-Mart, either: While they rely on the same essential concept, these silicone productions cost between $8,000 and $10,000 US. And, no, I'm not posting any other photos of that. This is a family blog, goddamn it.

When you can get one in a can, I'll consider it; but remember, I'm a Dog. My only interest in one of the Candy Girls would be as a chew toy, aber natürlich. Just Sayin'.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

More Unspeakableness

An Entire Chicken In A Can


Even H.P. Lovecraft Could Not Have Envisioned The Badness

This isn't going to become a regular item -- but another thing in a can was made known to me recently. As a Dog, I'll eat a wide variety of food (and the occasional non-food) items -- but even this is too much for me to contemplate: Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken.


It Emerges: Ia! Ia! Sweeta Sue Chiken ARRROOOOOO!!

First, the unsuspecting housewife releases the Thing from the chamber where it slumbered. Then, without warning, it grew -- and grew, and began to threaten mankind with the unbelievable fury of unleashed cosmic forces!!!

And, as we all know, you don't want to mess around with Cosmic Forces.



Unleashed, The Beast Began An Orgy Of Feeding --
But, Only In North Beach And Fisherman's Wharf

ANNOUNCER: We're here on CBS Sportstalk Radio; I'm Bob Hampton, and we're talking about the giant tentacled monster that's making life a little hectic for the drive-time commute in the Bay Area this morning... And how about those Giants, huh? Will the Raiders make their move to Santa Clara? Let's take your calls.

Hello, you're on CBS Sportstalk 96.

CHTULU: Hi, Bob; this is Chtulu from Ryleh. Love your show.

ANNOUNCER: Thanks. Where is Ryleh? Is that Contra Costa County, near Pinole?

CHTULU: Actually, it's an ancient city, sunken deep in the ocean for many, many Millennia, and initially a base for many of the Old Ones. You see, the history you've been taught about your world, and the Universe, is about as wrong as Y. A. Tittle staying in football past Forty. Many things existed on Earth, long before human history began. And, one of them was Me -- I've been out the loop for a while, but I'm back now and just wanted to AAARRRRRRRROOOOOO!!!!



Sorry about that, Bob. It's just so good to be out.

ANNOUNCER: Uh-huh. You just get out of the Big Q, huh?

CHTULU: Not a prison as you would understand it, Bob. But I was just listening to your program this morning and did want to comment on the appearance of the 'tentacled monster' you mentioned a moment ago.

ANNOUNCER: What's your comment?

CHTULU: Well, you see -- the stars are right, Bob, and the Great Wheel has come around; and it's time for the ancient forces that once ruled this planet to assert themselves. So I don't think anyone should be surprised when they open a can of something like a whole chicken, only to have it transform into something as big as the Bank Of America building in a matter of hours and threaten all of human civilization.

ANNOUNCER: Okay. Did you catch the Giants' game last night by chance, Chtulu?

CHTULU: What?

ANNOUNCER: Did you see last nights' game?

CHTULU: Bob -- with all due respect; I'm a long-time listener, and I've always liked this program -- but we're talking about a radical shift in human consciousness, here. We're talking about the most beautiful mysteries, and the most terrifying nightmares, of humanity made manifest in this world simply through the energy of thought. This is an event that's... well, it's Galactic in its implications, and frankly, Bob, in light of that I'm a little less interested in what Buster Posey will or won't do this season.

ANNOUNCER: [Pauses] So you're saying Posey won't do well heading into the season?

CHTULU: Huh? Bob -- try focusing a little. There's an Octopus the size of Cleveland out in the Bay. I see on CNN that they're considering carpet-bombing the Golden Gate with nerve agents -- nerve agents, Bob.

ANNOUNCER: All right; well, that's an interesting perspective, but I'd say Posey's gonna have a great career with the San Francisco Giants, and we look forward to that.

CHTULU: Not going to mean a thing if he gets eaten, Bob.

ANNOUNCER: Okay; and we thank you for your call. Hey, the time is 11:30, and whenever you just don't have time to spend on meal preparation, Sweet Sue's Whole Chicken In A Can can help!


The Peasants Begin To Understand: They're Doomed --
In The Horrifying Tales Of The Plush Chtulu!

After all, while Sparkle Christmas Tree Sweater Bear, for example, was a friend to all boys and girls, and Ellie the Happy Elephant was beloved by all who knew her, neither they nor any of the other animals commanded a worldwide fanatical cult of believers ready to do their bidding, not to mention being an ageless, indestructible creature from Beyond the Stars.



Friday, July 30, 2010

Unspeakable

Packaging The Crazy



Yes, Virginia; there are sandwiches in a can -- joining the noble canned ham, the Schlitz and Rolling Rock and Budweiser; the deviled ham, and even the little Sardine as items sealed with a shelf life for future generations to wonder at, and bring to Antiques Roadshow.



EXPERT: Well, what you've got here is, obviously, an item known as a 'Candwich', manufactured at the beginning of the century and is -- well, it's a sandwich, in a can. What can you tell me about it?

WOMAN: My father received this in exchange for some work he did during, you know -- 'The Unpleasantness' -- right before the aliens and all that. I don't remember it very well, but when the government came through during the mutant roundups, my father was taken away and we kept his belongings but never looked through them.

EXPERT: So you've had it all this time?

WOMAN: Yes. And we don't do anything with it except sniff it a little.

EXPERT: Okay. Well, this is really quite an item -- I was showing this to some of my Roadshow colleagues, and we were all quite excited. Most material manufactured prior to the alien incursion and the mutant wars either didn't survive, or was heavily contaminated and had to be destroyed. But this one stayed in your family's possession, and we have to presume you were in a Federal shelter? And it was scanned, of course.

WOMAN: Oh, yes.

EXPERT: So this one is quite safe to bring to the Roadshow. And in almost pristine condition -- a little oxidation there around the top, but that's normal; it doesn't affect the value, and we wouldn't recommend cleaning it. The colors are bright and clear; a few, small dents on the rear near the bottom -- but, again, for something this unusual, that's not an issue. We were shaking it carefully a little while ago, weren't we, and --

WOMAN: We could hear the sandwich inside!

EXPERT: Yes, we could! (Laughs) I wouldn't want to eat it, though. So, do you have any idea of its value? Have you ever had it appraised?

WOMAN: No, not really. My sister thought we should have it placed in one of the memorial ships that are fired into the Sun, but we never did.

EXPERT: Probably a good idea that you didn't. Now, I know of only three Candwich cans in existence -- and only one of them still has the sandwich inside! Another thing is that this appears to be the only Peanut-Butter-And-Strawberry Jelly Candwich anyone has ever seen.

WOMAN: My Beck! For fun, now; no; really?

EXPERT: Really really. Two of the three sandwiches in a can are in museums in Paris and Jerusalem, and the third was sold at auction just after the 25th of Cunegonda this breeding period -- for six point eight Trillion Quatloos!

WOMAN: Oh! Oh! Oh!

EXPERT: Yes; and I would estimate this, in a retail setting, if it were sold, to be worth at least that much, probably closer to nine or even ten Trillion. I would use that figure for insurance purposes, and it easily qualifies for Class Two security coverage as a cultural relic.

WOMAN: I'm just so thrilled. I had no idea.

EXPERT: Yes. Not every day you find out you could buy yourself whaling rights in the Sea Of Japan, eh? Well, we're just so happy you brought this to the Roadshow. We'll provide you with an armored car to take this back to your breeding compound.

WOMAN: Thank you; now I can buy my sister back. All praise to the Leader!

EXPERT: All praise to the Leader.