Showing posts with label Donka Ufman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Donka Ufman. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

What's New In Before Nine ©

Important Information For Donka Ufman

Ingredients

water/aqua/eau, glycerin, behenyl alcohol, cetyl alcohol, vodka, Jennifer, silica, alimony isononanoate, ascorbyl glutosides (cheek shavings), hordeum distichon (barley) extract, barely legal minimum age glucoside, cetearyl alcohol, available alcohol, DVD copies of Debbie Does The Sound Of Music, penyl trimethicone, niacinamide, regicide, Regis Philbyncide, dipalmitoyl duck-o-line, potassium cetyl phosphate, retinyl palmitate, Rheinish Palitinate, Thurn-und-Taxis palmitoyl tripeptide-3, beta-glucan, sodium hyaluronate, arginine, allantoin, santalum album, The White Album, Ozzy Osbourne Bat Head Juice, Scandal extract, phellodendrons, Bungchau Offal bark extract, JoyJoy esters, Esther Williams, Uncle Fester extract, butyrospermum sparkii (Sherpa squeezings), coffee, Gung-Ho seed, Hoo-Ah!! Big Powder, camellia sinensis leaf, Intubular Causus Belli, tocopheryl acetate, glucosyl membrane fixative (now with 63% more Love), c13-15 alkane, WD-45 hydroxyethyl acryloyldimethyl tautaurate copolymer fetang ang ang ang (Repeating this as quickly as possible three times is the new Field Sobriety test used by the CHP in California), Paraffin, generous helpings, sympathetic understanding, small animal residue (tetramethyl hydroxy-piperidino), Zenon-Three gum, ground match heads, table salt, potassium hydroxide, potassium sorbate, hexylene glycol, phenoxyethanol, chlorphenesin, caprylyl glycol, mica (ci 77019), titanium dioxide (ci 77891), choice sweepings, full faith and credit of the United States Government, and a twist of lemon.

Directions:

Serve chilled, as if it isn't already cold enough in here. Gently apply a small amount to the affected area with remote-control robotic arm. Do not allow fingertip to come in contact with Before Nine™; if this should occur, contact the Department Of Defense Interdimensional Emergency Hotline at 1-866-866-8666. If you can successfully answer the Question Of The Week (e.g., "Compare and contrast the major themes of William Faulkner and those of any major postmodern author [Salinger, Pynchon, Barth, Grass or Stevenson]") in under sixty seconds, a crack team of Delta Force commandos will be dispatched to rescue you.

Otherwise, you're on your own. Tentacles not included.


"Wait A Minute -- What do you mean, 'I missed a spot' ? It's clean!"


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I See Donka Ufman© -- All The Time

Coming soon to this space: More Donka Ufman.

All will be explained. Well, not all; I mean, we're not going to tell you if the 'Matrix' is real, or who killed JFK, or whether a big Rock™ is going to hit the Earth anytime soon.

But Donka Ufman? Ha ha; wait for it.