Friday, April 3, 2015

Reprint Heaven: The Random Barking Pesach Miracle

Nu?
(From 2012)

Whether this observation bounded by the strictures of religious belief, or as open as any question in quantum mechanics -- it can't be denied that we live on a single planet, its atmosphere captured by gravity, orbiting a single star in a universe so vast that we can't conceive just how large that vastness is.

So.. what? What is all this for? Religion will insist on one answer, science another -- though unlike religious leaders, scientists (not ones paid by the Koch Brothers™, or some other bored billionaire, anyway) will tell you their answers aren't absolute. But though you can debate about the purpose, the facts of where and how big can't be argued. So, what's it for? What are we for?

And from that perspective, President Boner's toupee, Obama's support for Banksters™ or 'National Security', or "Bucky The Beaver" Brooks' rat-toothed giggle doesn't mean much.

President Obama Graciously Ignores The Incident Of President Boner's Hairpiece (Photo: People/Newsroom; TPM; Inset Detail By Mongo)

In the face of the unanswered Big Questions, many of the things we consider so important, aren't. There are obvious things which are important, but much of what captures our attention in this place we inhabit -- as Ellen Ripley reminds us, "all this, all this bullshit you think is so important" -- isn't.

We should be asking The Big Questions. But, I'm only a Dog, and no one listens to me.
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MEHR, MIT SCHADENFREUDE, UND FROHE OSTERN, PEEPS!  Three guys appear before Saint Peter, sitting at his raised dais while guarding the entrance to Heaven Itself.  Pete fixes a gimlet eye on them and intones, "You wish to enter the Kingdom Of Heaven. To see God, and to know your place in All Things, and to live forever and ever in Paradise. Is that about right?"

"Yeah man."   "Yes, your honor."   "I do!"  The men replied.

"Okay." Peter leans on his raised podium and squints down at them. "Listen up; here's how it works. I'm going to ask each of you a question. You get it right; you're in. You blow it, and I pull the string and you go to Hell. Ready?"  The men, obviously frightened, nodded. Peter pointed to the first man. "You. What's the meaning of Easter?"

 The man opened his mouth, but no sounds came out. "Well?" peter said, frowning. "That your 'final answer'?"

"Uh... isn't it about Moses, and wandering somewhere for forty days and BWWWAHH HHHHAAA!!!!!!" The ground beneath the man opened up; flames shout out of the ground and he fell into the flaming maw. The earth closed and the air was redolent of sulfur and brimstone. Peter shifted his gaze to the second man. "You -- what's the meaning of Easter?"

"Well, it's about -- well, there's a whole bunch of fish and bread at the end of it but BWWWAHHH HHHAAA!!!!!!"And the earth opened beneath him, flames spewed towards the sky, and he was pulled down into the fiery pit; the earth closed over him.  Peter looked at the last man. "You. What's the meaning of Easter."

"Ah... isn't that where, uh, Jesus had the last supper, and was betrayed, and tried for heresy, and sentenced to be crucified?" The man said.

"Okay," Peter replied. "Say more."

"And He was crucified, and taken down and placed in a tomb?" The man said with a hesitant smile.

"All right," Peter said, leaning forward. "Keep going."

"And they rolled a big rock in front of the tomb, and He was there for three days?"

Peter was nodding. "You're on a roll, man; tell it."

The man, beaming, smiled back at him. "Yeah! And on the third day, Jesus rolled back the rock -- and he came out of the tomb -- and saw His shadow; and that meant we had three more weeks of Winter BWWWAHHH HHHAAA!!!!!!"
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Oh, and Gut Pesach.

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Please feel free to thrill all humankind with the brilliance and importance of You. And forgo all civility (especially the passive-aggressive sort, aggression masquerading as mildness) . . . you are, after all, anonymous.

But, consider: Dogs have short attention spans, don't tolerate bullies, and we're notoriously thin-skinned -- so make sense, be brief, and play nice, or I'll bite you and pee on your leg. Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark.