Friday, December 4, 2015

Judgement At Nürburgring

Give Up Your Arbeitsbruden

The New York Times reports that, in an attempt to be seen to "get to the bottom of its emissions-cheating scandal", The Volkwagen Group has "pressured [Volkswagen division] employees to tell what they know" and announced an amnesty program for any informants who would come forward.
In a letter to employees ... Herbert Diess, chief executive of the division that produces Volkswagen brand cars, said people who provided information would not be fired or face damage claims. Mr. Diess cautioned, though, that the company could not shield employees from criminal charges.
The offer applies only to union employees, covered by collective bargaining agreements, and is not available to managers or executives, or persons chosen at random on the street. The offer expires at the end of November.

The interviews with potential snitches informants persons who had knowledge of 'past practices' are held in an abandoned aircraft hangar at an undisclosed location in the Ruhr.

INNOCENT ARBEITER No. 1: "I only followed orders. Workers on the assembly line were told to install emissions sensors which were nothing but blank tabs of plastic. No sensors were put in at all... What? No, I never did these things myself, you understand. I only saw them being done by others. Will you give me this Amnesty in writing, please?"

INNOCENT ARBEITER No. 2: "... the emissions filters were just cloth bags, filled with CheeseWhiz. They forced me to do this. It was the only way I could get a promotion. Do I receive a reward for my confessions?"

INNOCENT ARBEITER No. 3: "I changed the code in the software package which operated the emissions detectors. Each time the car was mounted on a test machine, the software sensed this -- and the auto sound system would come on, playing Heino, singing 'Liebe Mütter' at 320 Decibels. This upset the emissions technicians so much that they would do anything to get the car out of their shop.

"I don't know why anyone should be surprised by this -- 'It's a massive conspiracy; a wholesale defrauding of governments and consumers; harm to the environment', blah blah blah. Doesn't anyone get it? Corporations do not care about anything other than profit. They will do whatever they want in order to get it. Period.

"You going to put that in your report? Nein? Imagine my astonishment."
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1 comment:

  1. my first car was a volkswagen (a hatchback, not the classic bug) - now i drive a chevy, the model name of which is a beach town in california - it is time for the biennial emissions test - a previous time it didn't pass, but the problem turned out to be a defective gas tank cap - i bought a new one and that fixed the problem

    last time i filled the gas tank the price was under two dollars a gallon - who knows if it is good or bad?


    and speaking of cars, here is a sort of poem written by me during the twentieth century


    Zen, 6th century


    1. A special transmission outside of the scriptures.
    2. No dependence upon words or letters.
    3. Direct pointing at the soul of man.
    4. Seeing into one's own nature and the attainment of Buddhahood.

    Volkswagen, 20th century

    1. A standard transmission underneath the chassis.
    2. Strong dependence upon gasoline.
    3. Goes where it's pointed.
    4. Seeing out through the windshield and the attainment of Buddhahood.

    and speaking of poetry about zen:

    ZEN LIMERICK

    Posted by hendiadys (an 85 year old man from Great Britain) at allpoetry dot com on Nov 19, 2009

    An almost inaudible tapping?
    Even fainter than lake-water lapping?
    I'm trying to show an
    Example of koan,
    The sound of a single hand clapping.





    ReplyDelete

Please feel free to thrill all humankind with the brilliance and importance of You. And forgo all civility (especially the passive-aggressive sort, aggression masquerading as mildness) . . . you are, after all, anonymous.

But, consider: Dogs have short attention spans, don't tolerate bullies, and we're notoriously thin-skinned -- so make sense, be brief, and play nice, or I'll bite you and pee on your leg. Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark.