Friday, September 18, 2009


Tubby The Nutter, Before Nine's New Emcee Of The Crazy
(A Squirrel, In England. I Don't Make This Stuff Up.)


>> NUTTERS: John ("You Lie!") Wilson; ACORN ('Tax Advice Okay, But Dat Kinky Stuff Gonna Cost You Extra'); Mahmoud ('I Look At Hitler's Picture When I Touch Myself') Ahmadinejad; Little Davy ("Bucky The Beaver") Brooks; Cheesy Goodness Stuffed Pizza Crust 'Hot Pockets'.

I'm aware that it's difficult to tell Bucky The Beaver and a 'Hot Pockets' apart -- but I threw the Snack Item in because (unlike Bucky) they're hard to resist: Burn in Hell, 'Hot Pockets' Food Design Engineers (or, "Foodineers").

>> A vaccine against the Wow-New-Fun-It-Rocks-Killer H1N1 "Swine Flu" will be available shortly... but it will be nasal mist vaccine, which is only to be used on persons between the age of 4 and 49. I guess that means everyone else should, you know -- die.

>> As the Happy Fun Counterperson In His Twenties at a local 'Peets Coffee' recently reminded me, "Everybody hates the Boomers, man. They're whiny assholes, remindin' people they remember when the Beatles were new, and Woodstock, and Vietnam an' shit. Yeah sure right (yawn). Let 'em croak! They messed up. They're responsible for this shit world we're livin' in; my life's gonna be hell 'cause of them. Screw 'em, man. (Smiles) Here's your coffee."

Well, "Peets", here's an important customer service tip -- Have your surly counter staff keep their ignorance and low IQs under wraps. I'll never go into another one of your franchises again, and I'll urge others I know to do the same. How's that?

>> "Tubby Brand" Spinach is bad, full of e.coli, or Plutonium, or shards of used razor blades or old photos of Little Richard, or something. So, I guess... what; buy and eat more of it? Feed it to Infants below age 4 and anyone over 49?

Chair To Human: Get Off Me !!!
(Photo: © 2005 Phillip Greenspun)

>> JP Morgan Chase utilizes the Coda of John Lennon's Instant Karma (Let It All Shine On) as the soundtrack for nifty commercials pitching their services in California.

October 9, 1940 - December 8, 1980: Still Missed.

Who the hell sold them the rights to that? Probably Yoko, whose only claim to fame, ever, has been as the widow of an actually talented man -- who believed that 'financial services' organizations like JPMC are leeches draining the life from human society.

Just sayin'. Way to honor his memory, lady.

>> President Of The United States Barack Obama is not an actual Liberal. Just want to get that out there -- it's pretty clear, right? Okay.

>> Before Nine may not be for everyone. Readers have reported mild headaches and stomach upset, finger- and toenail spotting, unusual bruising, or reduced urine flow when using Before Nine. Tell your healthcare provider if you experience these symptoms. Other readers have reported hives and spontaneous priapism. Please contact your local beekeeper, or Your Significant Other, if you experience either of these conditions while using Before Nine.

Also, a small percentage of readers have reported fulminating leprosy, large facial tumors, muscle spasms; and unpredictable, sudden loss of bowel and bladder control with Before Nine (However, we would like to point out that the percentage of readers experiencing some or all of these conditions is very low. Well, pretty much. I mean, a few. Okay; it's 50-50).

Tell your healthcare provider if you have a heart condition, diabetes, thoughts of suicide; history of suicide attempts; begging your pets to help you commit suicide, or drawing pictures of yourself committing suicide.

If you suffer from Fulcher's Palsy, Progressive Loobner's Syndrome, or have been diagnosed with Ugly Disorder; are pregnant or thinking about being pregnant; flirting more than usual as a result of thinking about trying to become pregnant; wearing those flouncy revealing little summer dresses in a desperate attempt to become pregnant; sending mass mailings of nude photos of yourself to strangers as a way of finding, well, anyone who will impregnate you; or, have heartburn -- please contact whoever it is you designated "Beneficiary" on any life insurance policy.

In The Former Communist Romania, Sufferers Of Ugly Disorder
Were Forced To Wear Animal Costumes And Emerge Only At Night.

Some readers of both sexes have reported locking themselves in public bathrooms to stare at mildly-crumpled photos of Britney Spears' abdominal fat, while consuming five-pound bags of Oreos after reading Before Nine. Tell your doctor if you experience this condition. Make sure you bring more Oreos, and share.

You Know You Want It. It's Just One Five-Pound Bag...

Before Nine is not for everyone. But many with symptoms of Standard Reality™ have reported temporary relief from the grey vapidity of their lives with regular use.

Do not taunt Before Nine; we have been known to bite.

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