Tickle Me Hellmo (Clean American Version)

You Can't See The Sky From There, Ya Little Freak!!

This is for my friend Kim, who enjoys Elmo as much as I do.

Look, boys 'n girls: I've watched Elmo. When this little dude is in his 'room' -- is he actually in a room? No. It's a series of crayon drawings -- as if they were just figments of that plush red-orange paranoid-schizophrenic's imagination.

Occasionally, there's an actual piece of furniture; but when he takes us to his 'computer' (another crayon drawing), and ties to operate it... aw, C'mon. He's been drinking Sterno, or doing PCP. And look at the things he talks to. You think they actually exist?

And then there's all that crazy stuff he comes out with; it's like he ate a copy of Gravity's Rainbow or something. Where does he get that? And that affected, high-pitched laugh? Creeps me out.

Better be happy Elmo isn't running the country -- but, given the state of things, who can tell?

In another work life, I would have watched him wind himself up and run for about thirty seconds, before I went to a pat search -- that's all the Probable Cause I'd need. Little freak has H&S Code violation written all over him. He's got a plastic bag of Meth in his pocket (assuming he has one); I know it...

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