Friday, January 7, 2011

Dog Dominance

More Random Barking: Friday Edition



I'm not sure what Neil Genzlinger is, other than desperate for a topic with which to fill the virtual space of his column as television critic for the New York Times online.

Today's frothy concoction was, "There’s a Canine Conspiracy! Television Reveals It!", wherein we learn that dogs in America are depicted on various cable programs (The Dog Whisperer; It's Me Or The Dog; and Petkeeping With Marc Morrone) as "a collection of neurotic, insecure, bitchy, bullying creatures".

Neil claims, all tongue-in-cheek, aber natürlich, that the causes for so many problem dogs, as shown on these teevee programs, are (1) The Media; (2) Liberal Democrats; and (3) Overregulation.

My opinion? Neil just didn't know what to write about when he got up this morning, after doing Shots from that Exmass gift bottle of Tres Generations, with the person in his life who allows him sexual access, last night.

As his submission deadline approached, he had nothin'. All he could do was slump, poleaxed and semi-comatose, on his sofa, watching whatever he surfed across on his 42" LCD-screen teevee device. Lookit all these shows about dogs, he thought -- though it took a while for the images of dogs to be recognized by his pre-frontal cortex as dogs, and not as, say, home appliances or his third-grade teacher.

And then, he stumbled across Family Guy:
Then came the slobbery “Beethoven” movies... and the even more slobbery “Turner & Hooch... And now there’s Brian, the more-human-than-the-humans dog on “Family Guy.” It’s no wonder your postmodern mutt, after spending hours watching this kind of stuff, thinks there are no rules.


Frankly, Having This Dog, Running The Country, Might
Not Be A Bad Thing At This Point (Photo: Intertubes)

Hey... Brian the Dog. Yeah; that's what I can write about, he thought. Simple; ties in wit' cable teevee... I'll use the Winger argument that it's all because of liberal permissiveness; little snarky ironic social comment, there... yeah, they'll take it. Sure.

He also still had a sufficiently high blood alcohol level to believe that this idea wouldn't be perceived as an act of desperation -- but of bloody genius; total Shakespear, man. Awesome.

Do I know if any of this is actually true? No. Did I indulge my taste for satire to make a point (that the column sucked)? Well, yes. Do I believe, as Neil claims, that there's a Canine Conspiracy; that dogs have it in for humans? No.

No, Neil. Not true. We just have it in for you.