Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Oh, God; Not Again

It's That Silvio!
Episode MCMLXVIII: Bunga Bunga

Prosecutor Edmondo Liberati of the city of Milan announced today that his office had enough evidence to ask a judge to waive a preliminary hearing, and call for an immediate trial of Silvio Berlusconi, 74, The Buffono Pene L'Italia, on charges that he paid for sex with a 17-year-old and abused his office by calling the police to intervene on her behalf after she was detained for petty theft in May.

True to form, the Used Condom King of the Boot-Shaped peninsula responded to the press, “I’m sorry that these things" -- and when Silvio! used the word 'things', he meant the prosecutors -- "have offended the dignity of our country, have slung mud on our country and on our government and on me personally, internationally.”

Ha Ha! Hey, lookit dat Silvio, eh?

Soccer Fans In Italy, March 2010 (Photo: Associated Press, via
[Of All Things] The Croatian Soccer Report)

You may recall that the lat time we checked in with the Oligarch who owns a country, Berlusconi had been linked to 17-year-old Karima el-Mahroug, a Moroccan-born rented sex toy nightclub dancer nicknamed "Ruby Heart-Stealer". el-Mahroug had been arrested for petty theft in Milan last May -- and Silvio! called the local police there, personally, to arrange for her release.

At the time (as I've mentioned before), Silvio! said, "I'm a kind-hearted person... There was just a call made to find someone to take custody of a person that we all felt sorry for because she had told everyone a dramatic story that we gave credit to."

Ms. el-Mahroug, Close Personal Friend, At Her Day Job

The Milan prosecutor's office alleges that el-Mahroug had attended dinners at Berlusconi's private villa outside Milan, where she allegedly witnessed group sex games which the Primo Pene L'Europa and his entourage nicknamed 'bunga-bunga' parties.

Prosecutors insist that el-Mahroug -- paid the equivalent of $7,000 to attend the 'parties' -- was released by intervention of the Prime Minister Of Italy on a petty theft charge, simply to make sure she didn't blow the wrong people the whistle on Silvio's! 'Bunga Bunga'.

Today, Berlusconi changed his story, a little. He said that he had called the Milan police to intervene on el-Mahroug’s behalf because... he had been told that she was the niece of President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt.

"I intervened as prime minister because I was concerned that there might be an international diplomatic incident," Silvio! told the press today. "...I always help people in difficulty.”

Girls, Spending Weekend At Silvio's! Villa, 2009, Made
Cell Phone Videos In His Bathroom To Prove They Were There

Think about all the times you arrived home at five in the morning, or later, smelling like a goat, having closed down Vesuvio's or Tosca in North Beach, only to be confronted by a Significant Other who is, uh, less than pleased at your antics? Remember the bizarre, nonsensical fabrications you created in an attempt to explain why you'd been out drinking all night?

If you do, then you have to admire the sheer lunacy unshaken faith Der Schwanzkopf has in lying his ability to sway people's opinions. It also doesn't hurt that he owns a majority of Italy's cable networks, newspapers, and radio stations.

While this scandal has been widely reported in the Italian press for weeks, it hasn't reached the level of real political concern for Silvio and 'Little Silvio' -- and, frankly, that's all he cares about.

The Italian parliament is badly divided -- as it has been for fifty years -- and only the coalition grouped around Berlusconi's center-right party can create a majority. No majority? The business of government (never that successful in Italy anyway) grinds to a halt. New elections are called; the fun starts all over again.

Silvio has used the fact of that always-shaky-but-holding coalition to say See? This is as stable a government as Italy has had since end of the big Boomba-Boomba with Benito and the Tadeski. As long as I give you a government that works, a little -- you let me play with the girls, eh? Or, maybe, launder a little money; do a little business...

As the New York Times reported, "In the past, Mr. Berlusconi has emerged largely unscathed from a dizzying number of trials. He has railed for decades against prosecutors and used his private television and media empire to help shape Italian public opinion. Most Italians have little faith in their justice system.

" 'I think Berlusconi is in a position to move beyond the Ruby scandal media-wise, but I’m not sure if he can move beyond it in the courts,' said Italo Bocchino, a leader of Future and Liberty, a faction that broke away from Mr. Berlusconi’s center-right coalition last year but largely supported him in an important confidence vote in December."

Wow; this is better than Battlestar Galactica Goes To The Beach. What will happen next? Will Silvio! claim Ms. el-Mahroug is a giant Space Lizard from Arcturus? Will the Italian Parliament dissolve itself and sell the country to a consortium owned by Vladimir Putin, who will turn it into a Theme Park, "Italyland"??

Who knows? Who cares? Stay tuned to the next exciting episode of -- It's That Silvio!! Brought to you by Fox: Fair And Balanced, The Finest NewsProdukt© Money Can Buy.

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