Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Kicking The Baby

The Kyl Defense

Jon Kyl, Explaining Recent Fish Catch Was As Big As He Claims

Of course, all sentient beings now living know of U.S. Senator Jon Kyl (R-Bedlam)'s comment in a speech on the floor of the Senate about Planned Parenthood ( an organization so evil all conservatives must publicly hate it, and so pass a crucial litmus test with evangelical and conservative Catholic voters):

"...You want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood; that's where ninety per cent of that money [i.e., budgeted Federal support to the organziation] goes."

This was, of course, utter bullshit. In truth, three per cent of Planned Parenthood's budget is spent on abortion services. Kyl's office later provided a press release in clarification, saying "The senator's comment was not intended to be a factual statement."

Right. Well, now that concept just has so many uses, doesn't it?

SENATOR JON KYL (R-Idiot): Sir, don't you understand the gravity of the threat to Our Great Nation™ ? Do you know that, as we're sitting here today -- your daughter is in an Al-Qaeda training camp in the middle of nowhere, Afghanistan? Learnin' how to make explosive devices to butcher helpless, defenseless American civilians? Do you??

And you thought she was going to Vassar! Well, I'm disgusted -- and what's more, I know all real Americans join me in saying your daughter is a traitor and no better than a two-dollar hoor.

WITNESS: What are you talking about? That-- that's insane! I had breakfast with my daughter this morning before coming to the Capitol, Senator; she was just in this room until a few minutes ago!! What in the -- what do you mean, she's in a terrorist training camp??

SENATOR JON KYL (R-Idiot): Well, sir; that was not intended to be a factual statement. It merely illustrated my point.

WITNESS: What?

[** Hat Tip To Roger J. ('El Rog The Magnificent') **]
This kind of thing happens in Little Rupert's "News" or on Lard Boy or Little Glenny's programs quite often. But I've had about all an adult Dog can stand about this kind of willful obfuscation, and so inaugurate a new blog category, Kicking The Baby:


(Courtesy Of UTub: See The Big-Screen Version Here.)

As seen on South Park, Kyle has fun by "Kicking The Baby" -- which means making it appear as if Ike (the baby) had done something wrong. Ascribing qualities or behavior to Ike that were not accurate, in order to portray The Baby in the worst possible light. Or, if you prefer, Lying About Ike The Baby.

So, using the Kyl Defense, just about any position is defensible -- so long as you grossly distort and lie about someone or something in your remarks, and later state they were only made to illustrate and underline your main point. Whatever it was.
MONGO: You know, John Kyl is an unindicted pederast who continues to be one of the largest distributors of child pornography in North America.

NOT MONGO: Are you nuts?? There isn't a shred of accuracy in any of that; it isn't true! And isn't his name spelled "Jon" Kyl?

MONGO: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me explain: It wasn't intended to be a factual statement.
Jon Kyl: All American (What the hell kind of name is 'Kyl', anyway? Armenian? Czech? Bondostan?) And do I really need to explain this further?

No? Ausgezeichnet, Kinder.



UPDATE: I was trying to determine a basis for Kyl's statements and actions generally, along with other Tea Partei and Rethug themes, and I thought: Kyl is getting along in years.

It's my personal theory that past a certain age, you just don't give a damn anymore. You're liable to say and do things that you think are sharp 'n classy, but really just make you look clueless, and full of shit. You realize this, somehow, but rather than pause in reflection about that, you double down with more outrageous behavior. Think of Donald Rumsfeld.

I believed I was on to something here. Then, I thought about Eric Cantor; or Little Michelle Bachmann (workin' on being Mike Bachmann; yeah!), and the whole theory just fell apart... like a used teabag.