David Thorne, last seen making me beg my pets to hurt me so I would stop laughing, released his book, The Internet Is A Playground, several months ago. I'd pre-ordered it, and copies to be mailed directly to friends.
So far, only one of them has refused to take my phone calls -- but to be fair, I think it has more to do with the fact that she suspects I want to duct-tape her to the back seat of a Zipcar and drive us down to Carmel for the weekend. I believe there's a special rate for that, and I do like a bargain.
(Sadly [as leafing through any issue of People, or checking CNN's website homepage on any random day will tell you], her husband would not see the humor in this. It would end with the usual rioting and bad press, and my being whacked on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.)
Other people bought David's book, too. And, they write letters, unfortunately for them. In this case, one Ella Johnson (her real name) should have understood that sending Thorne an email was the first step toward being dragged into the puzzlebox of Hellraiser, to join Pinhead and the Cenobites, Mutants, and "Lil' Boots" Bush.
FROM: Ella JohnsonI searched through the Amazon reader reviews of Internet Playground (My personal favorite was "Better than Jane Goodall's 'How To Give A Chimp A Handjob' ") but couldn't find an "actual" Ella Johnson review, unless it was removed or Thorne hallucinated the entire episode, which is extremely likely.
Tuesday, 31 May 2011 2:04pm
TO: David Thorne
SUBJECT: Book
I've perused your website before and must admit I laughed at the story about the police officer. I work in a bookstore and when your book came in as stock, I made the mistake of browsing through it. While some of it was mildly amusing, you crossed the fine line between dark humor and psychopathy.
It's quite jarring to go from laughing at drawings of spiders to reading your fantasies about torturing and killing cats. This ruined the book for me. Animal cruelty is a mental illness and usually the first sign of a sociopath. Serial killers torture animals when they are young. It's my most fervent opinion that you need to find a highly skilled psychiatrist post-haste and I have left a review on Amazon warning potential buyers.
Ella J
In any event, David responded.
FROM: David Thorne
Wednesday, 01 June 2011 2:14am
TO: Ella Johnson
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book
Dear Ella,
Your efforts to protect both cats and customers should not go unacknowledged. If you have access to a printer and scissors, you could make yourself a little badge. Anyone can form an opinion but it takes a certain type of person to carry that opinion through to consumer censorship. In a million years, if mankind dies out and cats inherit the earth, they will probably build a statue of you featuring a cat nestled in one arm, a can of petrol in the other, and a pile of my books at your feet. Or one of you cleaning your bum with your tongue.
Unfortunately, your efforts to impinge book sales are not required as Penguin's marketing team seems to have the same strategy. I visited a Barnes & Noble store this morning, expecting to find copies of my book distributed throughout, but located only a single copy in the home and garden section next to Diana Kennedy's The Art of Mexican Cooking. I left with a pop-up book about trains and two fridge magnets so I understand the concept of impulse buying but targeting only those preparing for next year's Cinco de Mayo is a stretch.
In contrast, Chelsea Handler's book was displayed throughout the store and even had its own colourful cardboard display. Based on your suggestion, I had a quick flick through and owe you a debt of gratitude as I now realise what it takes to receive excellent reviews on Amazon from people like yourself.
Regards, David
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