Saturday, June 16, 2012

Reprint Heaven: Bad, Hot Chicken Does Just What You Like, Baby: B&D Burger King

(This, reprinted from July, 2009: An Item Of Interest for stray readers of IBWMW, and the super-intelligent Parakeet who reads this blog and is reportedly into KFC-Style Porn.)



SUBMIT: Madison Avenue Does You Up Right, Honey


Chicken: Tasty; Breaded -- Spicy... The Kind Men Like.

I don't know what to say about this. It isn't like I haven't gone to those sites, you know, with those girls, doing a 'live show' for an unknown number of men (and women), all online at the same time and all of them doing the same thing. More or less. A large number of people have done so, internationally; whether they'll admit it is another question. But that's nobody's business...

Now, Burger King -- the people who gave you the Plastic King Who Looks Like Lil' Boots Bush, Only With A Beard, present "Chicken The Way You Want It": The Objectivization-Of-Women Chicken, porn-site parody. You navigate from BK's main website by clicking a button, labeled "Subservient Chicken".

[I'm advised that the link to the original site above is broken. It was active two months ago -- meaning that people had continued to dial in and give commands to the big chicken nearly three years after that particular advertising campaign was complete.

[The, uh, flavor of the original site (which tastes just like Chicken) has been preserved for posterity (and the super-intelligent Parakeet), by going right here. Enjoy.]


You're presented with what looks like the standard, Internet-porn 'Live-Hot-Cam-Action' setup: A cheesy living room, bad furniture, tract-home ceilings with sparkly bits in the spray-stucco... and a giant Chicken wearing a garter belt and stockings.

You type in a 'request', enter it, and the Chicken, uh... does what you want it to do. I'm all yours, baby; oh yeah... yeah... Just tell me what you want, sugar; oh, uh-huh; want me to turn around? Like this...? Oooo...

You get the drift. What this has to do with the sale of Chicken Bosom sandwiches is anyone's guess, but it's clear Burger King isn't trying to solicit Camille Paglia's business. And, there's the aspect of linking a recognizable food purveyor with the concept of live internet porn.

I mean, it's conceivable that some dimwit, who spends an inordinate amount of time and money online at Kink watching Mistress Tammy, could become confused (Burger King = Action), which unconsciously prompts an erection every time he goes into their Food Station -- presumably, to eat, which could make for some humorous moments as you're standing in line in front of him. Or, you know, not.

And, If you go to their companion parody on Star Trek, you can attend Starfleet training to prevent Klingons (the Plastic Bush-With-A-Beard Burger King) physically attacking trainees to steal their Star Trek™ collector's glasses.

I got as far as watching the Burger Klingon attempt to give an unsuspecting Starfleet cadet an Atomic Wedgie by putting his hand down the back of the dude's pants, before becoming creeped out in a way you can only describe to your therapist. If you don't have one, when you're done watching you will need to get one. Or, take a quick shower. Trust me.

I've tried to imagine the minds that would dream up this kind of stuff, and have decided it would be -- well, me, given slightly different Life Choices. My other guess is that four 22-year-old guys ("Creative Directors") thought these sites up after doing Tequila body shots off Scarlett Johannsen (hey; she's easy that way. I do that whenever I see her, along with half the guys I know), and reminiscing about how great things were at their Frat during their six years as undergraduates. Maybe seven.

Funny? Well, ha ha; yes. But, together with things like Little Bernie Madoff, it's one more proof that Western Civilization™ as we know it is over. It's Over.

No, no; don't fight it. Here comes the Apocalypse, dude. Just... just turn out the lights; we're done.

And just leave the bucket of KFC extra-crispy. Okay? Bye.