Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Elusive Higgs Boson Found, Maybe

Fifty-Year Hunt Comes To Quiet End On A Quiet Street

While you slept, a team of investigators in Switzerland announced that after nearly fifty years, they may have apprehended Higgs Boson, described as "one of the heaviest" and most elusive of figures in the universal underworld.

Higgs Boson In Custody In Geneva; The Unique Fingerprint Which
May Confirm His Identity (Photo: Interpol)

The move was carried out by Switzerland's Criminal Elimination of Robbery and Narcotics unit, or CERN, which had conducted sporadic raids at various locations world-wide for the past decade, seeking information about Boson's whereabouts.

According to CERN chief investigator Rolf-Dieter Heuer, after developing promising leads several years ago the unit had reduced Boson's possible hiding places "down to a narrow range", predominantly in Switzerland, though unconfirmed sightings of Boson had recently occurred in the United States.

Swiss Tactical Polizei Taking Boson Into Custody
(Photo: Neue Züricher Unterwäsche Tagliche Zeitung)

Acting on tips from multiple informants, CERN's investigators determined that Boson was livinging in a specific Geneva address, between numbers 100 and 135 Genvieve-Victoriastrasse. In a pre-dawn raid of the entire street, Boson was found hiding in a bathroom at number 125 Ge-Vc.

"He was sitting on the toilet, drinking coffee and reading a copy of Hello magazine," Heuer said. "He was very calm, very polite. While he would not positively admit to his identity, we're fairly certain -- this is Higgs Boson."

It was further reported that when apprehended, Boson's copy of 'Hello' magazine was open to an article on the recent appearance of talented British classical-pop crossover singer Katherine Jenkins at the recent Epsom Downs Derby Day celebrations.

Alleged Photo Of Boson, 1980; British Mezzo-Soprano
Katherine Jenkins: Did An Obsession With Singer Lead
To Boson's Capture? (Photo: South Wales Evening Post)

Higgs Boson came to the attention of investigators worldwide after a late-night discussion following an Interpol conference in London the early 1960's. "Was there a controlling figure behind other activities we were reporting?" asked T.W.B. Kibble, a retired investigator who attended the meeting. "Some force which had to be considered, causing other parts of the dark universe that lives around us to do as they directed?"

"The Activities Of Higgs Boson Touch Each Of Us At
Our Most Fundamental Level", Say CERN Investigators

The small group of detectives agreed to look in their own areas for evidence of such a figure. "Eventually we had to admit -- such a controlling presence was undeniable", recalled investigator Robert Bout, who also remembered that there was evidence to support their belief, "but whoever this was, their influence was brief, instantaneous. As quickly as they showed up, they disappeared."

Boson apparently began to come to the attention of The London Metropolitan Police with the rise and disappearance of Doug and Dinsdale, the infamous Piranha Brothers. Met Detectives knew "a more sophisticated hand had been put into the glove what was the Piranha Brothers," said retired Met Detective Chief Murdoch Bagman Inspecting Constable Reginald Prouthee.

Was Higgs Boson The Terrible Force Behind Britian's
Infamous Piranha Brothers? (Photo: Maxine Piranha)

"I mean, you don't walk into a grocier's and threaten to use a tactical nuclear weapon just to get the poor bugger to buy a fruit machine," Prouthee recalled. "That's a bit of overkill, that is, and we all agreed down the Met -- Dougie and Dinsdale weren't that sophisticated and some other bugger's what's behind it all. And that's when we started looking at this Boson chap."

Rare Surveillance Photo Of Younger Boson On London
Street, 1980's (London Met / Rebecca Brooks Division)

Higgs Boson resided primarily in London, "but could have been from anywhere, really," said Gerald Guralnik, another of the early group trying to determine Boson's existence and activities. "All we knew was, he seemed to have his hand in everything, worldwide. He was a pervasive influence."

"If he wants to," Heuer added, "He affects people's kids. He affects their wives, their parents, then he goes after their parent's friends, their businesses. He gets into everything they need or own, or ever will -- and then, like that -- he's gone, like he was never there."

Boson was, they came to believe, more powerful than any Narco-baron. "We're convinced he killed Kaiser Söze," Rolf-Dieter Heuer told reporters in Geneva. "Personally shoved him into a tree-mulcher, feet first. Boson is worse than any Russian mafioso, more heartless than any hedge fund manager or central banker."

Kaiser Söze, Feared Underworld Leader Who Disappeared
Into A Tree Mulcher In The Late 1990's. Did His Interest
In Singer Jenkins Lead To His End? (Photo: Examiner)

Boson's interests, say CERN investigators, run the entire spectrum of activity in the known world. "We have to ask ourselves; what wasn't Higgs Boson involved in?" said Heuer. However, despite his ability to manipulate so much, Boson lived modestly and traveled almost constantly, not usually noticed but accepted at the highest levels of society.

Photo Which Investigators Say Was Emailed Anonymously
To Singer Jenkins: Was Boson Behind The Breakup With
Gethin Jones? (Photo: Rex Features / UK Telegraph)

While the Swiss team is not 100% certain that whom they hold in custody is Higgs Boson, they are confident they will be able to confirm his identity. "It's all a matter of time," says CERN's Heuer. "He hasn't even requested an attorney, yet. All he's asked for is a copy of Hello magazine with Katherine Jenkins' picture in it."

"That's why I think we've got him," Heuer says. "Time will tell."

Why Is Higgs Boson Focused On A British Singer?
Or, Are The Answers To That Question Too Obvious?

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