Before Nine: At Night They Still Dream

Summer Of Lube

Zombie Reagan, With Makeup Malfunction, Speaks At Safe Distance From Cheering Crowds

ZOMBIE REAGAN: There is no RHUNGAAAAARRRR --- no height so difficult that we cannot NAR NAR NAR NAR --- as Americans. We have always met our great challenges together. And eOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO each time we have met them, those challenges have become our greatest triumphs. Arroo.

America's best days are ahead. A head. (Stops) Eat head good. Arroo. [Applause]

The Good Old Boys who cling to power in the GOP are even more worried than they were before. With less than six weeks to the election, after pouring out millions in SuperPAC money from Addled Sheldon, Fat Karl, and the Koochy-Kootie Koch Brothers, the fortunes of The Mittster seem, if anything, to be dwindling.

The Good Old Boys sit around with a bottle of Scotch, singing forbidden, old songs like We Hired Smedley Butler To Do In FDR, and share the incomprehension that even with millions of dollars in teevee propaganda to sink that Socialist Boy up the White House what thinks he's the President, the peasant masses don't seem to be responding. They're nothing but goddam sheep, the Good Ol' Boys say; How come they ain't doin' what they're told?


Mitzy: "I'm Runnin' Against A Socialist And A Dead Man!"

They're troubled by the fact that Mitzy, their candidate, has turned out to be a stiff, overpriced corporate haircut with the human warmth of a used-car salesman and the appeal of week-old Eclair slathered in Vaseline. His teammate, Little Paulie Ryan, isn't much better -- Paulie can't wait to use Austerity to make Americans "feel the pain", like the Spanish, and the Greeks. The Good Ol' Boys make jokes about Paulie's ears (Look like the doors hangin' open on the Lincoln Continental we shot Kennedy in! the Boys roar), but the laughter is hollow and doesn't last.

They slip into an uneasy, drunken sleep. But as they toss and turn, they still dream that dream: That a Zombified Ronald Rayguns has returned from the cold, cold ground with a burning determination to lead America and consume the flesh of anyone who gets too close. It doesn't matter; He Is Reagan, the Saint, their only chance for victory. And, hell; he still looks pretty good; hasn't even been dead that long.

Obligatory Gratuitous Photo Of Laurie Holden

The whole thing seems fraught with peril. After all, Ron went after that camerman at his first press conference after appearing (Feed him Bill Clinton! The Boys roar). But some of them have watched "The Walking Dead" (and part of their dreams involve Laurie Holden; shame on them); they believe they know how the Zombie Reagan can be handled.

The Proto-Candidate, Getting A Little Too Close To The Paparazzi For Comfort

After weeks of intensive conditioning that involves a hot dog on a length of string, and the best embalming techniques money can buy (Get those boys what kept Lenin lookin' so good all them years! the Good Ol' Boys roar), Zombie Reagan appears more or less his old self for the cameras -- except, of course, for spontaneously attacking living humans and an unfortunate tendency to blurt out random, nonsensical sounds.

As a precaution, those working most closely with the deceased, reanimated former President coat themselves with an industrial lubricant. Should Zombie Reagan get his claws on them, they easily slip out of his grasp and behave as if everything was normal until Reagan calms down.

A camaraderie develops between the Zombie Reagan's closest handlers; they refer to this election season as the "Summer Of Lube", and few of them suffer more than semi-permanent psychological damage. And, if anyone is bitten, they've already signed waivers which allow their immediate decapitation, and destruction of their heads.

There's a full-court press to get Zombie Rayguns in front of the public. He appears (on a remote teevee feed) as a guest of Dancin' Dave Gregory on MSNBC's "Meet The Press":

DANCIN' DAVE: But, sir, you are dead, are you not? Do you see that as a handcap in running for the Presidency once again?

ZOMBIE REAGAN: Well, David; there you go ANNNNNGHH; there you go. There. Don't go there.

DANCIN' DAVE: I'm sorry, sir, but it is an obvious point. Let's move on to the economy.

ZOMBIE REAGAN: The American people deserve better, David; I recall WUH recall in 1982 how difficult things were for so many. But we stayed true to our faith in ourselves. And by standing - stirring - staining SUUUUUUNGHHH well; there you go. It was hard and TASTEEEEE but we stood firm and the crisis passed. And as long as UMMM DINGEE DINGEDOOO, we can do so again, David.

DANCIN' DAVE: Sir, David Brooks wrote in the New York Times this past week that your late run for the presidency has a "moral odor" about it; are you splitting Republican votes? Are you a better candidate than the actual party nominee, Mitt Romney?

ZOMBIE REAGAN: Well; David, if I could just get in a room alone with Mr. Romney for five minutes, we would emerge united. It would mean victory for the Republican party, and for HURNGGGH America. I keep telling people I'd WHUUUH ARRNG! ARNG! but it seems some of Mr. Romney's people are resistant to that idea. We'll continue to hope for that dialog before we get too close to the Election. And I would like David Brooks, eat. Brooks

DANCIN' DAVE: We're facing an unprecedented situation, approaching a 'Fiscal Cliff' in January of 2013. What will you do, sir, to prevent that? Do you have a plan? Will Americans have to feel pain before things are better?

ZOMBIE REAGAN: Well, yes, David. But REEEEEEEEEN for a moment. Then it's morning again, forever. Arroo.

DANCIN' DAVE: We'll be back with Cardinal Norman Wasserstein of the Archdiocese of New York to join us in a moment.