Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Bad, Hot Chicken Does Just What You Like, Baby; B&D Burger King, And Other Thrills From Madison Avenue


Chicken: Tasty; Breaded -- Spicy... The Kind Men Like.

I don't know what to say about this. Really. It isn't like I haven't gone to those sites, you know. Just about everyone has; whether they'll admit it is another question.

Now, Burger King -- the people who gave you the Plastic King Who Looks Like Lil' Boots Bush, Only With A Beard, present the "Chicken The Way You Want It", Objectivization-Of-Women Chicken, porn-site parody. You navigate from BK's main website by clicking a button, labeled "Subservient Chicken".

You're presented with what looks like the standard, Internet-porn 'Live-Hot-Cam-Action' setup: A cheesy living room, bad furniture, tract-home ceilings with sparkly bits in the spray-stucco... and a giant Chicken wearing a garter belt and stockings.

You type in a 'request', enter it, and the Chicken, uh... does what you want it to do. I'm all yours, baby; oh yeah... Just tell me what you want, sugar; oh, uh-huh; like this...?

You get the drift. What this has to do with the sale of Chicken Bosom sandwiches is anyone's guess, but it's clear Burger King isn't trying to solicit Camille Paglia's business.

And, If you go to their companion parody on Star Trek, you can attend Starfleet training to prevent Klingons (the Plastic Bush-With-A-Beard Burger King) physically attacking trainees to steal their Star Trek™ collector's glasses. I got as far as watching the Burger Klingon, attempting to give an unsuspecting Starfleet cadet an Atomic Wedgie by putting his hand down the back of the dude's pants, before becoming creeped out in a way I can only describe to my therapist, once I get one.

I've tried to imagine the mind that would dream up this kind of stuff, and have decided it would be -- well, me, given slightly different Life Choices. My other guess is that four, 22-year-old guys ("Creative Directors") thought these sites up after doing Tequila body shots off Scarlett Johannsen (hey; she's easy that way. I do that whenever I see her, along with half the guys I know), reminiscing about how great things were at their Frat during their, um, six years as undergraduates. Maybe seven.

Funny? Well, ha ha; yes. But, together with things like Little Bernie Madoff, it's one more proof that Western Civilization™ as we know it is over. It's Over.

No, no; don't fight it -- just... just turn out the lights, man; we're done. And just leave the bucket of KFC extra-crispy. Okay? Bye.