It's Been Another Brian Griffin Kind Of Weekend (Again)

Family Guy, Season Four, Episode 12; "The Perfect Castaway": In a takeoff of Castaway and Perfect Storm, Peter's fishing boat (crewed by Joe, Cleveland and Quagmeyer) is sunk during Hurricane RuPaul. The boys float to a tropical island on a raft made of inflatable Love Dolls, and are rescued months later by a passing cruise liner.


The Love Boat: Peter and crew approach Tom Hanks' island.

Returning home, Peter finds that Lois has gotten remarried -- to Brian. But, while it seems like a dream come true (for Brian, anyway), there are problems...



To Brian's frustration, the marriage has never been consummated.
A la 1950's Teevee, Lois and Brian sleep in separate beds.


With Lois, The Perfect Sucker Gentleman.

BRIAN: So -- do you think this is the night we push the beds together, Lois?
LOIS: I don't think so, Brian. Not -- not yet.
(Brian sighs and gets out of his bed) Where are you going?
BRIAN: I'll -- be in the basement.
LOIS: Doing what?
BRIAN: What do you think?

Lois initially refuses Peter's advances -- Brian provided financially for Peter's family after his disappearance, has been there for Chris and Meg; Lois says she's made a commitment to Brian and intends to keep it.

However, she finally succumbs to his, uh, irresistible charms and begins to see Peter on the sly. Brian catches her leaving the house one night ("Ah -- it's a meeting of my garden club!" "But it's ten-thirty at night -- and you're carrying a saddle"), she distracts him with a yellow tennis ball.

LOIS: Well...it's a...I...um... [takes out the ball] What's this? What's this, Brian, huh? What's this, huh?
BRIAN: It's a ball.
LOIS: Oh, is this your ball? You want it? You want this? Huh Huh?
BRIAN: Ah ... Yes, I would. I would like it, please, yes.
LOIS: Yeah, you want this? Huh? You want the ball?
BRIAN: Yes, I would.
LOIS: You want it? Huh? You want the ball?
BRIAN: Yes, I would like to have it very much.
LOIS: Want the ball? Huh, huh?
BRIAN: Ah, yes; I would enjoy having it. Yes. Give it to me.
LOIS: GO GET IT!! (pretends to throw the ball; Brian runs after it, then returns)
BRIAN: Ah, I - I'm sorry, Lois. I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball, but I can see now you still have it.

Brian sees Lois' love for Peter is undiminished, and understands that keeping them apart serves nothing. He tells her they should divorce, so that she and Peter can remarry.



A bit later, with the family once again gathered around the living room sofa, Lois expresses her relief that everything is back to normal -- unfortunately for Brian.


Another of Brian's chances for love, lost.

LOIS: And to think, Brian, I was like a day away from having sex with you. I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian! But, a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh?
(She pats Brian, who sits glowering at her, on the head. Then she holds up the yellow tennis ball) You want your ball, huh? You want your ball?
BRIAN: No. No, Lois; I -- I don't want the ball right now.
If everyone will excuse me, I'll be in the basement. (Jumps down from sofa and leaves the room)
PETER: Doing what?
BRIAN: (Off camera) What do you think?

UPDATE: Seth MacFarlane is making more money than you or I will ever be able to dream about in our entire lives even if we exercized and ate all the right food and swallowed a half-pound of Reservatrol every day for the next decade.

Here's the proof:



But -- they didn't show the Giant Squid on the game box. They show Ernie -- The Giant Chicken?? Yeah; right. They put the Giant fucking Chicken on the game box. They even give him a name -- But not the Squid. Never the Squid. No one ever cares about the Giant Squid.

But they will -- oh, they will...