By I. Rabschinski
Hokay; Listen what I am telling you: Salon, magazine for Internet I am looking at, has posted article they are calling 'Top Ten Internet-Fueled Conspiracies'.
You should also be paying money to these people. They do The Good. But it is like some much else in The Life: You have the money, you have nice little hot towels with dinner and the better waitress. For Salon, you pay the special membership and you do not see all the Advertising.
I have boil on bottom of foot about advertising on Internet. It is like someone talk behind you at the movies! You want to make empty the container of popcorn, roll cardboard box in tube, and shove tube in place that makes total jerkhead idiot behind you speak language which is not the Human. But, you do this and the Polizia will ask you give them your belt and shoelaces. But.
What the Salon says is Internet was The Good for the Konspiratoria -- you have crazy idea? Good for you. Put on Internet! Proof, you don't need. They are also saying that big-time Konspiratu gets to live again on Internet and never die. Like my Uncle Yehudi, who likes you to hit him with heavy book until he does not stand up. But still we love him.
Well; I am thinking, I have my own idea of The Big Konspiratu, and also thinking I would tell you, maybe, because this is new week to make working, and is mid-cykle election thing ho boy I don't care, and second decade of new Century, and time to wash clothing also. What else we going to do? Win Lotto? Work with actual adult thinking guy? Believe me; this is not your fate in the life.
So, listen up, Bubchick: here is being The Big Konspiratoriskaya. All for you. Read; you will learn things. Or, maybe not learning; I don't care.
Big Konspiratoriskaya Theory Nr. 1:
Assassination Of The JFK, November 22, 1963
John F. Kennedy, Tells Assassins: Shoot, And You Get Bush Guy
(Original Photo: Reuters)
This is big, big, big Konspiratorskaya. This is like Juice Glass Of The Jesus Guy for the people looking in the Konspiracy, you know?
Basically, everybody knows of this unless they are dead or from the Uzbekistan (Also couple guys from the Moldova who live down street to me, but to be fair I am thinking they might know): Amerikanyets Guy, President Kennedy Guy -- Goot Guy; Nize Guy -- is travelling to the Dallas of Texas and boom boom boom, is dead Guy.
Look, Amerikan people: No way this is happening without lots of people being guilty also. Lots and lots. You are thinking Amerika is this new place, where everything different and is not like the old Europe with powerful Guys who kill the king when they don't like. Amerika is The Good; and everybody gets to drive the Buik, and be eating chicken head on the cob and the Pone of Corn, and be in the Beaver House with the Wally and Wife of the Cleaver and live forever.
Sorry my friend, but No Way is like this. You have been wearing the mustard stain from big non-Kosher hot dog your whole life, and now, rest of the Planet tells you Wake up, idiot! Be Guy -- Don't Be That Guy!. Oh, and there is also no Tooth Fairy or Golem. But I tell you, Amerika is place where they can shoot you if They don't like, even if you are President Guy, and only with big Konspiratu can this happen. More than one guy be killing JFK, you bet.
Everybody on entire planet (except for people I mention) knows big Konspiratu happened to kill this Guy -- but if you are admitting this, and saying Yes! Big Amerikanyets CIA Guys and Big Money Rich People says this guy is dead, so he is. What happens in Amerika? You think Stock Market goes up, maybe? Not even, buddih! People would know U.S.A. history even before 1963 is big sack of bad corn flakes everybody has been forced to eat.
They would feel lied to, like someone is Cheating them for fifty years -- kill President Guy and get away with it. And maybe people decide, then, is time for the Revolutsyia and everything is big mess for like years. Believing me, we know about this.
However, there are people who have made up the Konspiratu of their own about this, understand? They have President Kennedy Guy being killed by the space alien, by the Elvis; or Gremlin From The Kremlin But Coming From The Cuba. The Internets make it possible you can read any of these, but don't waste time -- I can show you who is second gun guy from Grassy Hill Place. Look:
Total Honest Untouching The Photo Of Grassy Hill Place
Immediately After Boom Boom In The Dallas, Texas, 1963
See? Now there is whole new Konspiracy, with JFK Guy killed by fake advertising food selling Guy. And that is how Internets work.
Big Konspiratoriskaya Theory Nr. 2:
Amerikanyets Guys Go To Place Of Moon, July, 1969
So You Want To Go To Moon, Or Maybe Warehouse In The Ohio --
Neil Armstrong Guy And Actual Flag He Takes To Moon
(Original Photo: NASA)
This Konspiratu is like piece of truth, and big crap taken by donkey; understand what I am saying?
So, like in summertime these Amerikanyets Astronaut Guys get in big tube, and are travelling to actual Moon. When they are going there, they land and shake the hand and maybe sleep, maybe go to bathroom and read the newspaper. Then, two of Astronaut Guy get out, and are stepping down to Moon, while third Guy stays in the tube with microphone turned off so entire planet does not hear him crying like small girl.
So the first Guy walking on actual Moon, Astronaut Neil Armstrong Guy ("This is being little walk for human, and big marathon type thing for everybody; okay"), is also member of the Masonic Guys, being this secret club -- like having subscription to magazine of the special porno, or having the black Amerikanyets Express card and sitting in The Good Chairs at airport. And, this Neil Armstrong brings with him to Moon a flag of these Masonic Guys, and he puts it up on Moon also. Then, he folds up and brings back for his pals, who make big dinner and give him the secret head-rub.
Where is problem? So, he takes flag with big chicken; Mason Guys so happy. So what? Well, Mason Guys are big Konspirator, secret guys who are Kombinator, you know? Guys who have the control of world from the Secret Places. So Neil Armstrong is making the secret claim of Moon for Masonic Guys.
There is also another Konspiratu from before, which is saying Astronaut Guys never go to real actual Moon, that whole thing is put-on, Hollywood Avatar James Cameron kind of thing made in same airport hangar where they keep animal balloon from Macy parade. And -- like always, these people -- they gots plenty of the proof.
Gottenu; Please. I need bucket for the vomiting. These people need to make the life, go on date with girl, or worry about The Global Heating. Even my uncle Yehudi understands that if there is big Konspiratskaya, is not guys with secret head-rub.
Big Konspiratoriskaya Theory Nr. 3:
Good-By Super Big 9-11 Buildings In The New York
Wave To Mama: Fake Foto Of The 9-11, All Over Internets
Okay. This is simple, and all people not part of the Al-Kada know this: September the 11, 2001, HAL9000 computer did not go Ape and try to ruin Jupiter mission to meet the big black box that United Nations building came in. Instead bunch of Very Bad Guys who are hating most of Earth get planes and run them into World Trade Center Place. Both places fall down, big big big mess.
Oh, and Small Boots Guy, Bush President, suddenly is big leader with large penis, and soon will invade the Iraq and hoo boy, next thing you know, we are living in Sick Animal Dizneyland with the Sarah Palin and more than 9% unemployment, and Obama President Guy looks like he has Made Sex With The Dog. Or, Screwed Pooch, maybe.
Sadly, that is not the Konspiratu. People on Internets (and that is where this big story is different from other Konspiracy) say that whole thing is fake; World Trade Buildings are wired up with bombs to make collapsing; people on planes were taken to the secret place and nobody has died. And they have all kinds of the video and photos to prove. Lots and lots. However, this proves very little to families of all the people who jumped out of big 9-11 buildings.
Problem -- these Konspiracy people have not gone to bathroom since 2003, and so cannot make clear thinking.
Big Konspiratoriskaya Theory Nr. 4:
Current President Guy Is Really Secret Muslim Foreign Guy
(Photo: Productshopnyc)
Hoo Boy: Obama, President Guy Of U.S., is really born in Africa, and there is big covering up of this fact.
So he is an illegal President Guy, and so people playing with teabags and guys who like the gunz can make war on this illegal government Presidental Guy.
My only big surprise is that these people with the gun and playing with their bags are not also somehow claiming also is Konspiratu made by the Jews. But, I am sure, they will be doing this sooner or later. Always, they do.
Please, bring bucket again.
Big Konspiratoriskaya Theory Nr. 5:
Big Queen Family Of The Britain Is Murdering Tall Blonde Girl
French Friends Letting Other French Friends Drive Drunk
This one? Simple. Royal Kind Of The England People, like the Tsar before Soviet Guys shot him and threw him into mine shaft (weird, because they are related to Tsar), did not like the Princess Diana, mother of boy who will maybe be King of the England, to be having the bouncy sex with Egyptian Dodi Guy. So, they chase car with her inside and force to crash; boom boom, no more Diana.
Ahh; I have pain in my personal ass with this: Driver of car, French Guy, had sucked up enough alkohol to knock out half of Red Army Chorus and Band (and that is big doing, Buddih, let me tell you). I mean, look: There is all kinds video this French driver Guy doing like Tequila shooters or something before he goes to make driving.
He was driving because he was stupid asshole driver of stupid rich Guy, and crashed because he was drunk like three guys. Simple, but sad also.
But sometime you know, simple is what you get. Not big Konspiacy.
Big Konspiratoriskaya Theory Nr. 6:
Gremlins From Da Kremlin
You know, everybody wants the Aliens. If aliens bring spaceship to some place, and say, 'We must talk to President Guy' -- well, how can life be always the same afterwards? Maybe we get nicer with each other and do not make the Bullshit so often. We ask them nice, "Mister Alien Guy, could you maybe to help us save the Planet from the Global Heating?" And they will say, 'Yes Earth people; we have always like your television'.
Probably, saucers will fly from my butt before that will happen. More, I think, maybe we just try and kill Aliens because they are not like us -- only after we take from them the Tekno things they have, so we can build death ray to kill all the Enemy, or something. You know how the Earth people are.
But, everybody is agreeing: Aliens have come to this place, and They are like meeting in secret and planning to enslave world -- and there is actual Guy in the England who says all world leaders are really seven-foot-tall Reptilian Alien Guys (Sad Vlad The Putin is Reptile? Yes; this I can believe. Angela Merkle? Viktor Sarkozy Guy? Ha ha ha ha; no way, buddih). They give us little bit of the Tekno stuff, and we give them planet -- and they have known all of this since the Roswell.
This is the other Jesus Juice Glass for the Konspiratskaya: In some time the 1947, New Mexico place in U.S.A., alien flying saucer is crashing on land of some ranch Guy near little town of Roswell. There is Air Force of the U.S.A. base not far away, and they come to look. And they take pieces of spaceship -- one Air Force Guy takes them to his house, and his son remembers things about them. Air Force Guys even tell local reporting newspaper Guy from the Roswell about "Flying Saucer" crashing.
Also, there were the dead aliens. Maybe one, maybe three; also story that another one is still alive when they find. But they are what everybody like to call now The Greys -- little grey bodies with big head and big black eyes like Trick Owl From The Bad Film.
This is kind of like any of the Konspiracy -- you want, you don't want. Depends on how bad you wish to believe about aliens.
I ask my uncle Yehudi about Aliens. You think? I ask him. He says, "It explains why the civilization of Humans has become bad after canceling television show, 'The Mister Ed'" But wait -- this happens forty years ago, I tell him. "Exactly!" he says.
Wilbur Channels The Bob Newheart: Uncle Yehudi Likes
(Photo: The Weekly Telegraph Online)
And -- the U.S. of A. Air Force waits thirty kind of years to release report which says, Hey, this was only big weather balloon (funny; this is exactly what they say in the 1947) -- but was part of secret project to do something to Soviet people. I am thinking this smells like bad food or good cheese. Whole thing, all this Tsursis, for weather ballooning? For Cold War Good Red Is Dead Red kind of time?
Maybe. Me, I'm still kind of wondering so much. One thing I tell you: Those lights that make funny kind of hovering flying around, where people can see? Coming from the Area 51? The Tekno in those flying kind of things comes from the someplace. I am thinking not Odessa.
Big Konspiratoriskaya Theory Nr. 7:
We Gots Lot Of Oil -- AHH! No, We Don't
The Peak Oil: Walking Is Good For You
(Photo: The Big Picture, 2008)
There is theory, saying that oil -- made from retired dinosaurs who gave their lives for world auto industry -- is going away. You know that place, when you drink the really good milkshake, like Malted (Oh, the creamy; so good. You want one. Go, now); and there is this moment when you realize more than half this Malted is gone?
And you can imagine what it will be like when you have sucked up all this Malted and there is no more? And all The Good, the creamy, is just memory? So it gets hard to enjoy last half of Malted when you realize it cannot be Malted Milk forever?
This is what is the Peak Oil. Is truth? Is made-up story by Big Oil Companies? What; you think I am knowing this? Eat your lunch and shut up.
Big Konspiratoriskaya Theory Nr. 8:
You Make Money From This Jesus Guy? Goot Boy; Nize Boy
Code Brown! (Photo: Reuters / Alessia Pierdomenico via Salon)
This one is good one, the Konspiratu, because it makes the Konspiracy inside other Konspiracy. You cannot prove one without prove the other. Tricky!
Okay; Long time ago, in the galaxy far, far in some other plaze, there was this Jesus Guy. Not The Messiah, but probably way up there. And as the usual, add bunch of arabs, and Romans, plus the Politik (always, the f______ politik), and boom boom boom, Jesus Guy gets crucified. Or maybe not. And he maybe had girlfriend who had been the Big-Time Ho. Or maybe not. And she is being pregnant, and goes on big boat to South of France (very Nize For Her, the vacation), where is born Son Of The Jesus™.
(I am waiting for movie version: Son Of The Jesus: Part III -- The Revenge. Better than "Despicable Me!" I would bet.)
So, this is big-time secret. If true, then whole christian religion thing starts to look like just Business thing cooked up to make the power and little German guys get to wear the special white Yarmulke of the Pope Guy. More bad bags of the corn flakes we are forced to eat, I am thinking.
So couple British Guy write book in 1980's about this big secret -- later, other people show is put-on, but for a while, these Guys make the money. Then comes this Dan Brown Guy, who writes like the smell from tail of Donkey, this other book, The DaVinci Code, which is like the big-seller and makes him richer than J.K. Rowling, even. Then there is movie with the Tom Hanks, who has lost hair and makes the fat now.
Only Konspiratu here is the one made by the Dan Brown and people who print his books -- is conspiracy to take your money, give you handfull of crap; joke is on you, Clown-Boy. Dan Brown Guy gets lots of money, and in ten years his books is taking up space in the landfill in Singapore.
The rest of the Konspiratskaya I will be adding shortly.
I, Rabschinski, say this -- to Moldavish Guy; you also.
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