Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Reprint: More Unspeakableness

Chtulu Fhtagn Cheeseburger:
Reality's Not What It Used To Be

Buckle Up For An E-Ticket Ride; It's Easy And Fun!

(Given the number of bizarre things occurring in the world as we speak, I assume it's because we're living in a John Carpenter film (something like In The Mouth Of Madness). At any moment, the ground will give way outside the Ronald Rayguns Shrine, and the rotted visage of Ol' Ron will appear. It will take precisely twelve hours for him to become the Republican party's presumptive nominee for president in 2012.)

(But there have been signs and portents, in plenty, that the scrim between the Universe we believe we know and our imagination is very thin. And one such sign has been... Sweet Sue's Whole Chicken In A Can)

Even H.P. Lovecraft Could Not Have Envisioned The Badness

This isn't going to become a regular item -- but another thing in a can was made known to me recently. As a Dog, I'll eat a wide variety of food (and the occasional non-food) items -- but even this is too much for me to contemplate: Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken.

It Emerges: Ia! Ia! Sweeta Sue Chiken ARRROOOOOO!!

First, the unsuspecting housewife releases the Thing from the chamber where it slumbered. Then, without warning, it grew -- and grew, and began to threaten mankind with the unbelievable fury of unleashed cosmic forces!!!

And, as we all know, you don't want to mess around with Cosmic Forces.

Unleashed, The Beast Began An Orgy Of Feeding --
But, Only In North Beach And Fisherman's Wharf

ANNOUNCER: We're here on CBS Sportstalk Radio; I'm Bob Hampton, and we're talking about the giant tentacled monster that's making life a little hectic for the drive-time commute in the Bay Area this morning... And how about those Giants, huh? Will the Raiders make their move to Santa Clara? Let's take your calls.

Hello, you're on CBS Sportstalk 96.

CHTULU: Hi, Bob; this is Chtulu from Ryleh. Love your show.

ANNOUNCER: Thanks. Where is Ryleh? Is that Contra Costa County, near Pinole?

CHTULU: Actually, it's an ancient city, sunken deep in the ocean for many, many Millennia, and initially a base for many of the Old Ones. You see, the history you've been taught about your world, and the Universe, is about as wrong as Y. A. Tittle staying in football past Forty. Many things existed on Earth, long before human history began. And, one of them was Me -- I've been out the loop for a while, but I'm back now and just wanted to AAARRRRRRRROOOOOO!!!!

Sorry about that, Bob. It's just so good to be out.

ANNOUNCER: Uh-huh. You just get out of the Big Q, huh?

CHTULU: Not a prison as you would understand it, Bob. But I was just listening to your program this morning and did want to comment on the appearance of the 'tentacled monster' you mentioned a moment ago.

ANNOUNCER: What's your comment?

CHTULU: Well, you see -- the stars are right, Bob, and the Great Wheel has come around; and it's time for the ancient forces that once ruled this planet to assert themselves. So I don't think anyone should be surprised when they open a can of something like a whole chicken, only to have it transform into something as big as the Bank Of America building in a matter of hours and threaten all of human civilization.

ANNOUNCER: Okay. Did you catch the Giants' game last night by chance, Chtulu?


ANNOUNCER: Did you see last nights' game?

CHTULU: Bob -- with all due respect; I'm a long-time listener, and I've always liked this program -- but we're talking about a radical shift in human consciousness, here. We're talking about the most beautiful mysteries, and the most terrifying nightmares, of humanity made manifest in this world simply through the energy of thought. This is an event that's... well, it's Galactic in its implications, and frankly, Bob, in light of that I'm a little less interested in what Buster Posey will or won't do this season.

ANNOUNCER: [Pauses] So you're saying Posey won't do well heading into the season?

CHTULU: Huh? Bob -- try focusing a little. There's an Octopus the size of Cleveland out in the Bay. I see on CNN that they're considering carpet-bombing the Golden Gate with nerve agents -- nerve agents, Bob.

ANNOUNCER: All right; well, that's an interesting perspective, but I'd say Posey's gonna have a great career with the San Francisco Giants, and we look forward to that.

CHTULU: Not going to mean a thing if he gets eaten, Bob.

ANNOUNCER: Okay; and we thank you for your call. Hey, the time is 11:30, and whenever you just don't have time to spend on meal preparation, Sweet Sue's Whole Chicken In A Can can help!

The Peasants Begin To Understand: They're Doomed --
In The Horrifying Tales Of The Plush Chtulu!

After all, while Sparkle Christmas Tree Sweater Bear, for example, was a friend to all boys and girls, and Ellie the Happy Elephant was beloved by all who knew her, neither they nor any of the other animals commanded a worldwide fanatical cult of believers ready to do their bidding, not to mention being an ageless, indestructible creature from Beyond the Stars.

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