Monday, May 2, 2011

Why There's No More Bin Laden

SECRET / JUPITER / NO DIS

VIA MKCASTLE / Cell Phone Intercept 26877
06/12/2010 / 1145 Local Time / Abbottabad, Pakistan
Number A [REDACTED] Number B [REDACTED]
Signal Strength: 3 Confidence: High

(The following transcript of a cellular phone conversation between two male Arabic speakers was intercepted by a surveillance drone operating over the city of ABBOTTABAD [Grid Coord. 362 N 127]
Translation follows:)

MALE No. 1: Hello?
MALE No. 2: Hello; is this Mister Mahmood?
MALE No. 1: Yes, who's calling? What do you want?
MALE No. 2: Greetings Mr. Mahmood; this is Pandar, the builder? It was I who put in the second wall around your home last month.
MALE No. 1: (Pause) Yes? And?
MALE No. 2: Well, I sent you an invoice when the work was completed, Mr. Mahmood, and I have yet to receive payment.
MALE No. 1: What the fuck are you talking about? I paid you already. I told you, my brother would send you a check. [untranslatable], and he said yes, he did.
MALE No. 2: Well, that's where the difficulty comes, Mr. Mahmood. Your brother's check was returned for insufficient funds.
MALE No. 1: Don't try to fuck my dog, Mr. Pandar. That check was good.
MALE No. 2: Sadly, Mr. Mahmood, this is not the case. I understand they may do things differently in Saudi Arabia, but --
MALE No. 1: [cuts off Male No. 2] What? How do you know I'm from Saudi Arabia? I'm not. I'm not. I'm from Yemen! You goat-fucking seller of trinkets; your mother and grandmother suck underwear worn by the dead! What are you talking about?
MALE No. 2: Please, Mr. Mahmood. I am only an honest merchant, wishing to be paid for work honestly performed.
MALE No. 1: Well -- well, the wall isn't what I asked for! It was specified in the work order that you use redwood, and I go out there and look at it; is that redwood? No! It's fucking white pine, is what it is!
MALE No. 2: But Mr. Mahmood, we discussed this -- or, I discussed it with your brother. He said it was perfectly fine to use pine. The redwood -- well, with the Taliban blowing up convoys, we had ordered some redwood, god willing -- but god was not with us. The convoy was attacked and it all burned up! Truly, an act of god, you see?
MALE No. 1: Aw, fuck me; I told them to leave that convoy alone!
MALE No. 2: Excuse me, Mr. Mahmood? You broke up for a moment.
MALE No. 1: Look, where was the change order? I've been in construction most of my life, Mr. Pandar, so don't think you're dealing with some Tuareg from the sticks! And don't bring god into this, blasphemer! Thief! Wombat! Animal parts! You gave me white pine, but you charged me for redwood!!Where was the goddamn change order??
MALE No. 2: God willing, I'm hoping it will not come to some legal unpleasantness, Mr. Mahmood. I'm sure we can work out a payment arrangement if it is a difficulty for you. I am a fair man.
MALE No. 1: Fair? Fair?? Give my dog a blow job, you pig! I'm not paying you one Rupee -- not a fucking Dinar, you got that??
MALE No. 2: But please, sir --
MALE No. 1: Chicken fornicator! I pay you nothing!!

[MALE NO. 1 terminates call. MALE NO. 2 remains on line.]

MALE No. 2: Well, Mr. bin Laden, I believe you will.
Call Terminated 1150 Local Time

The rule here is: If you're a top-listed international fugitive? Don't stiff your building contractors. Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark.



MEHR: In all seriousness, a more plausible reason for finding bin Laden now may be that as part of the Great Game of power in the Muslim world, and in a community of other nations, the House 'O Saud ratted him out.
The royal family preferred to allow some of its more radically-inclined members to provide support to Bin Laden on a covert basis in return for al-Qaeda's de facto agreement to leave the Arabian Peninsula in peace. As a WikiLeaks cable revealed, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton wrote in a secret December 2009 memo, "More needs to be done since Saudi Arabia remains a critical financial support base for al-Qaeda, the Taliban, LeT [Lashkar-e-Toiba] and other terrorist groups."
As the "Arab Spring" gave more opportunity for Al-Qaeda, the Saudi royals, ever mindful of staying on top of their real enemies for the control of the Islamic world, the Iranians (who have apparently been the ideological brothers if not active supporters of bin Laden), decided to give bin Laden the Kiss to Fredo. And, at the same time, make nice with the still-powerful-at-the-moment US of A.