Friday, October 26, 2012

The Reprint Heaven Countdown: Number 10

Berlusconi Struck By Cathedral (From December, 2009)

No; It's Not Simon Pegg In Star Trek (A Bit Old, For Simon)
-- It's The Capo d'Buffoono Capo! (UK Mirror, 11/13/09)

Earlier today (tonight, in Italy), Silvio Berlusconi, 73-year-old Prime Minister of the Republic of Italy and Chief Clown of the European Union, appeared at a political rally in Milan when he was struck by the Duomo Cathedral which borders the square where the rally took place.

Milan's Duomo Cathedral Of The Maria Bambina, Which Is Being
Held For Questioning By Italian Police After The Surprise Assault

Berlusconi, whose reign as Primo Penis L'Italia has been threatened by a series of sex scandals, alleged mafia connections and criminal charges of bribery and money laundering, had appeared at the rally in a local hotel, but was continually heckled by onlookers. Even though he was the only person in the room who happened to have a microphone and a really large public-address system, Silvio! had to spend some time shouting them down.

While exiting the building, Berlusconi had been slowed, walking through a crowd of people, shaking hands (for any other head of state, taking that kind of risk is unheard of), when he was attacked. Obviously bleeding, he was whisked to a local hospital, reportedly having suffered broken teeth, a fractured nose, and various contusions and cuts, but was otherwise still able to have sex (after a fashion) with women forty-five years younger than himself.

(Screencaptures: BBC Video Footage, December 13, 2009)

The 623-year-old Cathedral which struck the Prime Minister was thrown by Massimo Tartaglia, who had gotten close enough to the Capo de Tutti Frutti in the crowd as he left the rally. That Tartaglia (who reportedly "has a history of mental problems") was able to get so close to a major European political figure to carry out the assault is troubling to Italian authorities.

But, even more astounding is how Tartaglia was able to reduce a gigantic, Gothic-style building to the size of a paperweight, and throw it, striking Berlusconi in the snout (probably had been between the thighs of some-a young girl not long before, eh?).

How the huge stone building was then returned to its normal size and position without being seen by anyone is unknown, as Tartagliga was immediately seized -- which raises the spectre of a wide conspiracy.

Italian Authorities Consider A Connection Between The Cathedral,
And Another Architectural Feature With Time-Travel Capabilities

"We have not ruled out aliens from space, or time travelers, using futuristic technology to injure our beloved Silvio," an anonymous source in Berlusconi's security detail told the BBC.

It is also not known whether Massimo is related to the Tattaglias in the Godfather saga ("Sonny hit Bruno Tattaglia at three o'clock this morning"), and what this may mean for Diane Keaton, James Caan and Al Pacino.

Bruno Tattaglia: "Scotch? Pre-War -- Or, A Little Strangling?"

The Duomo was ordered by Italian police to remain in place in Milan and not to attempt to leave the city. In an exclusive interview with the BBC, the Duomo claimed it had never met Tartaglia before and that it had been quietly hosting an evening Mass when it was picked up and swung at the Prime Minister.

"I am innocent", the Cathedral told the BBC. "It's true -- I don't like the immoral and disgusting acts by which the Prime Minister has besmirched his office. But I have never, ever caused harm to anyone, except witches, and Protestants, and a whole bunch of Jews." The Duomo has asked for Papal lawyers from Rome to be present during further questioning.

Silvio's Own Television Network In Italy, Providing Unbiased
Coverage Of The Prime Minister's Glorious Reign Over What's Now
The Theater Capital Of Europe (Photo: UK Guardian 11/09)

[Okay; if you haven't figured it out, or don't follow the links I handed to you: Tartaglia allegedly struck Berlusconi in the face with a souvenir model of the Duomo cathedral. The symbolism is obvious and even amusing -- and no, I'm not going to explain it to you.]

While his popularity ratings remain above 50 per cent, Berlusconi's hold over his office may slip as the result of poor life choices and too much bouncy-bouncy. Dogged by rumors of connections with the mafia as a Billionaire oligarch; publicly romping with women (which led to a messy, continuing public divorce from his second wife); and after a law granting him immunity from prosecution as Prime Minister was overturned earlier this year, Silvio! may be the first leader of Italy in several generations to be convicted of criminal acts while in office.

Silvio's own television network and newspapers continue to broadcast a campaign of positive reports about him (he is reported to like dogs and enjoy life), but many Italians dismiss them as obvious propaganda. Basta!

Then, there is Berlusconi's former pay-for-play mistress, Patrizia D'Addario, who recently published a tell-all autobiography about the Buffoono's inner circle, and their sex life, entitled "What You Require, Mr. Prime Minister".

The Oligarch Minister and a Simple Italian Prostitute Girl

It seems that she saw her chance for opportunities, attention, money, and more money in her relationship with Silvio!; but even if some of her alleged details are incorrect, he is still the married head of the Italian government and was still committing adultery with (at least) D'Addario in a relatively public fashion -- not to mention whispers about the 18-year-old Silvio was seen hanging with after D'Addario smeared him in the press, which seemed one way to thumb his nose at the world (I don't give a rat's ass what you think!) -- ho ho ho; that Silvio!!.

Even his own handlers are stumped by what to say about the public backlash towards their Capo's antics. Asked about the assault, Berlusconi spokesman Paolo Buonaiuti told CNN, "There has been such a buildup of hatred toward the premier, and this is not good... This campaign of hatred has been building quite rapidly recently, and I am not surprised that what happened tonight took place."

Doctors at the hospital in Milan have indicated that CAT scans of Berlusconi's head show no abnormalities, but want to perform additional tests to be certain.

Silvio's! Physicians: Shocked by the assault -- except Dottore Tano
Carridi (At Right), CAT scan director, who wanted extra Pet Treats.

The physicians also agreed that he has Un Poco Pene, then showed scans to reporters and cleaning women on the night staff before blowing off the remainder of their shift to eat Pasta Pesto, or play with catnip bags in the shape of the Pope.

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