Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Little Glenn Beck Vows To Fight, Die Like Martyr Hero Ground Sloth

The Uh, Something, Is Now


SOMEWHERE, USA: Teevee leader Little Glenn Beck, eight years old, vowed to fight on to his "last drop of blood" and roared at his supporters to buy more precious metal futures via 'Goldline', shouting and pounding his fist in a furious appearance this week after continuing media polls show he has lost two-thirds of his 2010 audience.

It was (yet) another occasion where the conservative teevee host appeared to talk about the imminent upheaval of "a world in chaos", and what he claims is the evil of George Soros, with maps drawn on a blackboard in chalk. Wearing brown robes and a turban, a dark blue blazer and rep tie, or Lederhosen, Beck spoke from behind a podium via Fox 'News' in the studio used to present his interpretations of history, finance, and religion to an ever-shrinking audience.

At times the camera panned back to show a towering monument of a navy blue-and-white-colored fist (Fox's 'official' colors) crushing an American voter. But at the same time, the view gave a surreal image of the teevee commentator, shouting and waving his arms wildly, standing alone in a studio with no audience, surrounded by a set of false walls and broken tiles dangling from the ceiling.

"America wants glory, America wants to be at the pinnacle, at the pinnacle of the world," Beck proclaimed, pounding his fist on the podium. "It's what god wants, god has told me to speak and to fight on because I am a fighter -- someone who has always fought the good fight, because I fight. I fight the fighting... you might say I am a fighting man who fights -- a fighting fighter, in a word..."

Obligatory Cute Small Animal Photo In Fake News Story

"I will die as a martyr at the end," he added, vowing to fight "to the last drop of blood," and exhorting his listeners to invest in more gold and large tubs of freeze-dried food.

Nielsen ratings showed that approximately seventy-five people sat in front of teevees which showed Mr. Beck's hour-long monologue. There is a 22.3% possibility that some of them were awake during portions of the program. There is also an 8.24% possibility that some of them were dead.

Asked for a comment about the continuing antics of Mr. Beck, his employer, Little Rupert Murdoch, smiled and climbed into his chauffeured, armored Bentley.



[With apologies to MAGGIE MICHAEL and SARAH EL DEEB of the Associated Press, for their story (via Salon online magazine), "Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi vows to fight on, die a martyr -- The embattled dictator unleashes a defiant, angry, rambling speech on state television".]