Tuesday, January 12, 2016

We're All Good

Liveblogging The STFU

You've Been A Tough House; G'Night !

 Ah, another year passes us by, and already it's nearly time for the Pepsodent to deliver the annual 'Feel Good About Ourselves' speech, the State Of The Union, which I refer to as the STFU. And we will be performing our little Dadaist liveblogging as we go with Nopence, rolling, rolling home (poor wife).

It was established in the Constitution that the Prestident would, from time to time, show up and report out on how everything is in This Great Land Of Ours. And we will be there, listening to Herr Obama's last speech in The Big House, and watching the capering antics of  Rethugpublicans and Der Amerikanischer Tea Partei in this, an elective year.  And there will be a Rethuglican Response to the STFU! Americans are so cruel. And fortunate.

We want you to know that watching the STFU has resulted in animal behaviors, which  may include dry mouth, rapid barking; sudden and irreversible loss of bowel and bladder control; the temporary inability to move. But it's delicious and keeps you in balance through new Eco-Boost technology. Check with your Doktor before STFU.

Ooops; sorry -- I'm already liveblogging the commercials. As usual, we're tuned to CBS, the network of Uncle Walter, and Eric, and Dan What's The Frequency. It makes me feel happy but at the same time not so happy because we are proud -- the key is to change how people see us. And Thus the STFU will be America's best-selling brand and only at your Ford dealer. It's all theater, man. All In The Game, Yo.

6:03 PM:  John Dickerson and Norah O'Donnell of CBS tells Scott Pelley everything. This is about larger ideas in a circle, and this is an early STFU because of elections and the Pestident wants to put on Trump's cap.  Margaret Brennan has been at the White House all day and is tired but still they pester her with questions. Scotty is so cruel.

Little Paulie Ryan is the new Speaker-To-Animals, and took a dim view of this STFU. He just wants to tell the Poptent to STFU already.

6:06 PM:  The Sargent At Arms is bellowing; the Perterdunt is marching, marching down the aisle; yes we see him, blocked by a man with a camera. Camera Persons are so cruel. The Punterdant is slapping shoulders in manly fashion. As in past STFU's, man Republigan members (read: Dicks) are dressed in windbreakers and jeans, as if they have somewhere else to be that involves housecleaning or barbecue. Clearly their focus is elsewhere.

Herr Obama has offered an Olive Branch to Paulie Ryan, and is giving his speech to people now. Not as cool as getting a nice book of porno, but Paulie gets to say he has a rare privilege and here's That Guy.

6:11 PM:  I understand that because it's an election season, it will be constructive, and I'm hoping we can work on some bipartisan priorities, like helping people battle each other and  -- who knows! We may go easy on the year ahead. Don't worry, I have plenty and the progress we make will be about fixing, protecting, equality, and raising the minimum things that matter to hard-working families. I want to get 'em done.  And terrarists plotting a half a world away.

America has been before. Each time, we have been afeared of people who just got something that threatened to take America out of control. In the words of Lincoln, We Fought A Gnu; We acted Like A Gnu. And because we did -- the opportunity made us better than before, with horns.
The Gnu, Which We Fought, And Became.
6:16 PM:  What was true then could be true now -- because we are unique and separate from history, discovering adversity and committed to ruling law, and will secure prosperity forever.  That's how we recovered from The Great Crash (Applause, from Democrats -- Little Paule Ryan is sitting behind Herr Obama like a mannequin).

Will we face the future with calluses and be better, or talk about the future?  There are Four Big Questions, regardless of whether Donald Trump paints the White House Puce.  (1)How Do We? and (2)How Do We?  (3)How Do We? And Finally, How Do We?

6:22 PM: There is a basic fact about the economy -- We have  the most virile economy in the world; we have a giant member. More than 14,000,000 feet long, all grown within the year. It's just part of a surge that has been done on the cheap. Anyone who says America's economy is in decline is Battling A Giant Fiction. You've seen them in Hollywood movies; they're Big Fictions.

But because corporations are disloyal and can do whatever they want, America's workers work hard and shake themselves fairly, but are concerned. We make progress out of thin air, and need to make more.

Americans, Broads or No, agree they need to be trained. No Child Left Behind was sadly abandoned somewhere but we made it do a Thing it could not do (Applause). Every student was offered hands to be on with their teachers, and there were laws.

We have to make every American affordable (Applause).

All of us here in this Chamber are doin' great (Laughter). But everybody else in Murrika needs to spend time and effort to retrain, whether they want to or not.  It's the new digital economy that will be here now, and we must train, train or not eat.

Let us strengthen Social Security (All Rethuglicans sit, hands folded, sour faces: Death To Grandma and Grandpa! Useless Eaters !  Free Markets Will Lift Or Sink Their Boats!)  I guess we won't agree on Health Care, and you laugh out there -- but there are other ways we can work hard to make sure that a person who loses a job can still pay his bills; and that's how we make the economy better.

Speaker To Animals Ryan has said things (Applause).  But there are some areas which we have found in seven years -- it's an honest disagreement; Paulie wants big bloated corporations to do whatever they want and I just want the red tape to go away (Applause).

6:30 PM:  But working families will allow big banks and oil companies to do what they want. Food Stamp recipients didn't cause Wall Street; those decisions were made by average families who sit in Board Rooms. Workers need more, not less. Rules should work for them or be fired. I want to spread Best Practices, like Best Foods, across America with a giant Best-Spreader.

How do we ignite things sixty years ago? America is every immigrant racer in Silicon Valley; that's who we are. More low-income students and online tools will be brought together, but we can do so much more. Vice-President Biden worked with the National Science Guys to do things to cure cancer.

(Applause for Joe, whose son died from cancer -- but not from Little Paulie, sitting right next to him.  Inhuman Stupid Fucker = cruel).

6:35 PM:  Ever if the planet was 2014, even if it wasn't Global Warm 'n Toasty, would you pass up the chance to make a buck off of it? (Applause) Seven years ago we made investments in fields, and on rooftops and in jobs that, by the way, environmentalists and Tea Parteigenossen have come together to support (Applause).

Now we must accelerate, especially in communities that are fossilized. That's why I will push to reflect taxpayers, putting money and workers in those communities (Applause, but never from the Thugs). The planet, we will preserve, and that's for our kids. How am I doin'?

6:40 PM:  All the rhetoric about our enemies getting stronger? The United States Of America Has the biggest Dick in the Universe (Applause) We spend more on our military, our troops have all the Morse in the history of the world;  nobody fucks with us because they know they don't call Bejing or Moscow, people call us. It's useful, because it's a dangerous time.

The Middle East dates back to economic headwinds in China that are contracting in Russia or Ukraine, and slipping away. The international system built after WW2 won't keep pace with us. We have to remake that system, with priorities.

(1)Protecting America's networks. Both Al-Kiadea and Eyesil use the Internet, and we have to focus on destroying them, but its not WW3. Guys on the back of pickup trucks? They're not a threat to our national existence. They don't represent Islam (Applause, but not from the Rethugs). We have to be rooted out. (Applause)

6:45 PM:  If you people are serious about taking out ISIL, vote for it. The American people should know that justice can be done -- just ask any of the people we've taken out in drone strikes.  We remember stuff and we'll just wait for you. Our foreign policy is focused on the threat of Eyesil, everywhere; many places may become new safe havens for The Bad. The world will look to us to solve everything.

Fortunately, there is a smarter approach; America will always act -- it's why we have Hollywood. That's our approach to places like Syria, where we can't seem to pull a coalition together;  but look at Iran -- where we asked them not to build a bomb but they can jack up our navy as if they were North Korea and we will let them because Freedom.

The Pacific Trade Agreement is the right thing because so many Rich People want it. It will mean Good Jobs at Good Wages. Pass it, like a kidney stone. Call for a vote on the environment if you're so tough. The point is, American leadership is not where we kill terrorists or occupy things. It means around the world that we see our national security is in leaving nearly 200 nations to themselves.

The power of example is American leadership, rejecting any policies that targets people because of race or religion (Applause, but -- you know. Fuck these people). The world respects us for our diversity. Pope Francis told us that imitating murderers is the best way to take their place. When Mosques are vandalized, we aren't safer  -- here, anyway.  It betrays who we are as a country (Little Paulie refuses to applaud).

We The People -- our Constitution, we recognize as insisting we rise and fall together, so we can perfect our nation. So here's number 4:  The future, all of it, in it's glowing and pustulent glory, is within our reach, but it will only happen -- and I'm on a roll, preacher-style, now -- if a better politics is needed. I'll try to be better, my fellow Murikans.

7:00 PM:  Good people in this chamber want things to be elevated but feel trapped by the noise comin' out of your face. It's the worst-kept secret in Washington. But if we want better politics, it isn't enough to change our leaders, we need to change the system (Democratic applause). At least nobody is yelling, "You Lie!" at me this time.

This is America (looks around, as if unsure). But changes in our political process aren't just Who gets elected, but how, and when the American people demand it.

The problem is, all the folks who were elected believe our actions and words don't matter. People with money and power want greater control. And as frustration grows, voices will urge us to become tribal, and we can't afford it because the economy contradicts everything that makes us who we are. Whether you supported my agenda or not, our collective futures count on you to stand up for the weak. Somebody, somewhere, stood up for us.

7:05 PM: When I am no longer in this office, I will have traveled so far.  I will hear the voices -- immigrant, straight, native born gay, and Doctor King -- they don't have a lot of potential, they don't say a lot, but I hear them. All the time. In daily acts of citizenship.  I see the worker clocking, the boss paying, and the dreamer who stays up late. And the early teacher, because she knows a grrl may cure a disease. The brave, private work of keeping us safe.

I see us all. None of them understand that elections have been bought out from under them, but that's the America I know.  Unconditional -- because I believe in the American people. I am as confident that I am, God bless you.

Little Norah O'Donnell reminds us that Herr Obama "seemed defensive at many points", and has an overall approval rating of 45% (Norah's overall approval rating is 10, but we're not here for that). So cruel, Little Norah.

The Rethug Response
(The Reptilian response was delivered by Governor Nikki Haley of South Carolina, a god-fearing, non-Caucasian female.)

Good evening. I am from a capitol of our state. It's rich, and in just a minute I want to say just a few words about Barack Obama. They may be bad words. He inspired millions, just as Herr Hilter did, and he had respect, but sadly the Prestident's office feels the squeeze of health care and crushing debt, and chaotic unrest. Even worse, we are facing a terratrist threat he is unable or unwilling to dealt with. No one can keep you safe but paid killers, those without principle or moral order. So thank god you have Repustlicans then.

Now let's talk about the future, and neither am I. You and I are frustrated, and it has built up year after year. We need to be honest -- Democrats bear all the responsibility, but so do others, though I don't say who, though I mean Trumpolina.

We need to accept erosion, and in the foundation of America, which never went anywhere. It's right here. I am the proud owner of living in this country, growing up a Foreign Darkie in the rural South, as long as we were willing to work for it. And we had each other or else.

Our shores have been here for generations for people, time and again. Today, we have recent memory. In ancient times, we resisted the temptation to allow our tradition to open our borders. We can't allow immigrants -- and I am kind of an immigrant, telling you -- we must stop it, and welcome the legal people. I have no doubt we can protect our sentinels, all true to America's noblest something.

On an ordinary Wednesday evening, people came and joined us. They didn't sound like us or look like us but were pregnant and what happened after the tragedy we must remember. Our people had violence, but had vigilance because we turned towards god -- the things that divide us. The hate that filled up. God of money, god of vengeance.

In many parts of society, the media has a tendency to think some people must be the loudest voice to make a difference. And it can make a world of difference. Republicans will stand up loudly in the room, for our beliefs. We will be heard, and all about America. We will do everything, as we have always said we would -- but this time, we are actually letting you keep your dog.

As a cornerstone of our Democracy, again, we have a Second Amendment celebrated, and not the other way around. An armed country will make others think twice. We would actually strengthen our military. Because when we fight, we win, except for Vietnam and Iraq and Afghanistan and Kent State.

Our forefathers weighed us. America; the finest country for men -- and women !

And for all the rest of us -- The Smell Of Inevitability is ahead.  Fasten your seat belts:



  1. i was going to say that since bob schieffer retired, i don't know anyone at cbs -

    but i do recognize the names of john dickerson and nora o'donnnell, and maybe i could even pick them out of a line-up - though they lack the charisma of david muir or the gravitas of lester holt

    and then charlie rose has taken over their weekday morning operation, though i'm not sure if it's cbs's charlie rose or charlie rose's cbs

    i guess if it comes to hil vs that canadian latino, and my state's vote is in question (very unlikely) i'd vote for hil

    although they are saying that bloomberg is considering whether a 3rd party bid is possible - if it's him vs those two, i'd vote for him

    and that's saying a lot - i'm a leftist and a progressive, with the credit card receipts for donations to bernie sanders to prove it

    as julian of norwich said, all is well and all will be well (even if it doesn't seem so to those of us with limited perception)

  2. and by the way, i am reminded by your apt acronym for the STate oF the Union of my own coinage for the ruling apparatus - the MICFiC



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