(Courtesy Donka Ufman)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
More Unspeakableness
An Entire Chicken In A Can
Even H.P. Lovecraft Could Not Have Envisioned The Badness
This isn't going to become a regular item -- but another thing in a can was made known to me recently. As a Dog, I'll eat a wide variety of food (and the occasional non-food) items -- but even this is too much for me to contemplate: Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken.
It Emerges: Ia! Ia! Sweeta Sue Chiken ARRROOOOOO!!
First, the unsuspecting housewife releases the Thing from the chamber where it slumbered. Then, without warning, it grew -- and grew, and began to threaten mankind with the unbelievable fury of unleashed cosmic forces!!!
And, as we all know, you don't want to mess around with Cosmic Forces.
Unleashed, The Beast Began An Orgy Of Feeding --
But, Only In North Beach And Fisherman's Wharf
ANNOUNCER: We're here on CBS Sportstalk Radio; I'm Bob Hampton, and we're talking about the giant tentacled monster that's making life a little hectic for the drive-time commute in the Bay Area this morning... And how about those Giants, huh? Will the Raiders make their move to Santa Clara? Let's take your calls.
Hello, you're on CBS Sportstalk 96.
CHTULU: Hi, Bob; this is Chtulu from Ryleh. Love your show.
ANNOUNCER: Thanks. Where is Ryleh? Is that Contra Costa County, near Pinole?
CHTULU: Actually, it's an ancient city, sunken deep in the ocean for many, many Millennia, and initially a base for many of the Old Ones. You see, the history you've been taught about your world, and the Universe, is about as wrong as Y. A. Tittle staying in football past Forty. Many things existed on Earth, long before human history began. And, one of them was Me -- I've been out the loop for a while, but I'm back now and just wanted to AAARRRRRRRROOOOOO!!!!
Sorry about that, Bob. It's just so good to be out.
ANNOUNCER: Uh-huh. You just get out of the Big Q, huh?
CHTULU: Not a prison as you would understand it, Bob. But I was just listening to your program this morning and did want to comment on the appearance of the 'tentacled monster' you mentioned a moment ago.
ANNOUNCER: What's your comment?
CHTULU: Well, you see -- the stars are right, Bob, and the Great Wheel has come around; and it's time for the ancient forces that once ruled this planet to assert themselves. So I don't think anyone should be surprised when they open a can of something like a whole chicken, only to have it transform into something as big as the Bank Of America building in a matter of hours and threaten all of human civilization.
ANNOUNCER: Okay. Did you catch the Giants' game last night by chance, Chtulu?
CHTULU: What?
ANNOUNCER: Did you see last nights' game?
CHTULU: Bob -- with all due respect; I'm a long-time listener, and I've always liked this program -- but we're talking about a radical shift in human consciousness, here. We're talking about the most beautiful mysteries, and the most terrifying nightmares, of humanity made manifest in this world simply through the energy of thought. This is an event that's... well, it's Galactic in its implications, and frankly, Bob, in light of that I'm a little less interested in what Buster Posey will or won't do this season.
ANNOUNCER: [Pauses] So you're saying Posey won't do well heading into the season?
CHTULU: Huh? Bob -- try focusing a little. There's an Octopus the size of Cleveland out in the Bay. I see on CNN that they're considering carpet-bombing the Golden Gate with nerve agents -- nerve agents, Bob.
ANNOUNCER: All right; well, that's an interesting perspective, but I'd say Posey's gonna have a great career with the San Francisco Giants, and we look forward to that.
CHTULU: Not going to mean a thing if he gets eaten, Bob.
ANNOUNCER: Okay; and we thank you for your call. Hey, the time is 11:30, and whenever you just don't have time to spend on meal preparation, Sweet Sue's Whole Chicken In A Can can help!
The Peasants Begin To Understand: They're Doomed --
In The Horrifying Tales Of The Plush Chtulu!
Even H.P. Lovecraft Could Not Have Envisioned The Badness
This isn't going to become a regular item -- but another thing in a can was made known to me recently. As a Dog, I'll eat a wide variety of food (and the occasional non-food) items -- but even this is too much for me to contemplate: Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken.
It Emerges: Ia! Ia! Sweeta Sue Chiken ARRROOOOOO!!
First, the unsuspecting housewife releases the Thing from the chamber where it slumbered. Then, without warning, it grew -- and grew, and began to threaten mankind with the unbelievable fury of unleashed cosmic forces!!!
And, as we all know, you don't want to mess around with Cosmic Forces.
Unleashed, The Beast Began An Orgy Of Feeding --
But, Only In North Beach And Fisherman's Wharf
ANNOUNCER: We're here on CBS Sportstalk Radio; I'm Bob Hampton, and we're talking about the giant tentacled monster that's making life a little hectic for the drive-time commute in the Bay Area this morning... And how about those Giants, huh? Will the Raiders make their move to Santa Clara? Let's take your calls.
Hello, you're on CBS Sportstalk 96.
CHTULU: Hi, Bob; this is Chtulu from Ryleh. Love your show.
ANNOUNCER: Thanks. Where is Ryleh? Is that Contra Costa County, near Pinole?
CHTULU: Actually, it's an ancient city, sunken deep in the ocean for many, many Millennia, and initially a base for many of the Old Ones. You see, the history you've been taught about your world, and the Universe, is about as wrong as Y. A. Tittle staying in football past Forty. Many things existed on Earth, long before human history began. And, one of them was Me -- I've been out the loop for a while, but I'm back now and just wanted to AAARRRRRRRROOOOOO!!!!
Sorry about that, Bob. It's just so good to be out.
ANNOUNCER: Uh-huh. You just get out of the Big Q, huh?
CHTULU: Not a prison as you would understand it, Bob. But I was just listening to your program this morning and did want to comment on the appearance of the 'tentacled monster' you mentioned a moment ago.
ANNOUNCER: What's your comment?
CHTULU: Well, you see -- the stars are right, Bob, and the Great Wheel has come around; and it's time for the ancient forces that once ruled this planet to assert themselves. So I don't think anyone should be surprised when they open a can of something like a whole chicken, only to have it transform into something as big as the Bank Of America building in a matter of hours and threaten all of human civilization.
ANNOUNCER: Okay. Did you catch the Giants' game last night by chance, Chtulu?
CHTULU: What?
ANNOUNCER: Did you see last nights' game?
CHTULU: Bob -- with all due respect; I'm a long-time listener, and I've always liked this program -- but we're talking about a radical shift in human consciousness, here. We're talking about the most beautiful mysteries, and the most terrifying nightmares, of humanity made manifest in this world simply through the energy of thought. This is an event that's... well, it's Galactic in its implications, and frankly, Bob, in light of that I'm a little less interested in what Buster Posey will or won't do this season.
ANNOUNCER: [Pauses] So you're saying Posey won't do well heading into the season?
CHTULU: Huh? Bob -- try focusing a little. There's an Octopus the size of Cleveland out in the Bay. I see on CNN that they're considering carpet-bombing the Golden Gate with nerve agents -- nerve agents, Bob.
ANNOUNCER: All right; well, that's an interesting perspective, but I'd say Posey's gonna have a great career with the San Francisco Giants, and we look forward to that.
CHTULU: Not going to mean a thing if he gets eaten, Bob.
ANNOUNCER: Okay; and we thank you for your call. Hey, the time is 11:30, and whenever you just don't have time to spend on meal preparation, Sweet Sue's Whole Chicken In A Can can help!
The Peasants Begin To Understand: They're Doomed --
In The Horrifying Tales Of The Plush Chtulu!
After all, while Sparkle Christmas Tree Sweater Bear, for example, was a friend to all boys and girls, and Ellie the Happy Elephant was beloved by all who knew her, neither they nor any of the other animals commanded a worldwide fanatical cult of believers ready to do their bidding, not to mention being an ageless, indestructible creature from Beyond the Stars.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Operation: Static Kill
BP Attempts To Perform 'Static Kill' in the Gulf.
We hope it works. So we can say good-bye to:
And, if this proves successful, British Petroleum will move on to Operation: Bottom Kill
We hope it works. So we can say good-bye to:
And, if this proves successful, British Petroleum will move on to Operation: Bottom Kill
Monday, August 2, 2010
Triumph Of The Shill
(Art By Mongo)
Little Rupert Murdoch, ten years old, watches his favourite film for the 5,432nd time: Leni Reifenstahl's Triumph Of The Will. And every morning, Little Rupert wishes he he had been born as Joey Goebbels.
But that's okay. He believes Joey was, at heart, just a businessman -- just as Little Rupert, in his heart, is... something else.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Unspeakable
Packaging The Crazy
Yes, Virginia; there are sandwiches in a can -- joining the noble canned ham, the Schlitz and Rolling Rock and Budweiser; the deviled ham, and even the little Sardine as items sealed with a shelf life for future generations to wonder at, and bring to Antiques Roadshow.
EXPERT: Well, what you've got here is, obviously, an item known as a 'Candwich', manufactured at the beginning of the century and is -- well, it's a sandwich, in a can. What can you tell me about it?
WOMAN: My father received this in exchange for some work he did during, you know -- 'The Unpleasantness' -- right before the aliens and all that. I don't remember it very well, but when the government came through during the mutant roundups, my father was taken away and we kept his belongings but never looked through them.
EXPERT: So you've had it all this time?
WOMAN: Yes. And we don't do anything with it except sniff it a little.
EXPERT: Okay. Well, this is really quite an item -- I was showing this to some of my Roadshow colleagues, and we were all quite excited. Most material manufactured prior to the alien incursion and the mutant wars either didn't survive, or was heavily contaminated and had to be destroyed. But this one stayed in your family's possession, and we have to presume you were in a Federal shelter? And it was scanned, of course.
WOMAN: Oh, yes.
EXPERT: So this one is quite safe to bring to the Roadshow. And in almost pristine condition -- a little oxidation there around the top, but that's normal; it doesn't affect the value, and we wouldn't recommend cleaning it. The colors are bright and clear; a few, small dents on the rear near the bottom -- but, again, for something this unusual, that's not an issue. We were shaking it carefully a little while ago, weren't we, and --
WOMAN: We could hear the sandwich inside!
EXPERT: Yes, we could! (Laughs) I wouldn't want to eat it, though. So, do you have any idea of its value? Have you ever had it appraised?
WOMAN: No, not really. My sister thought we should have it placed in one of the memorial ships that are fired into the Sun, but we never did.
EXPERT: Probably a good idea that you didn't. Now, I know of only three Candwich cans in existence -- and only one of them still has the sandwich inside! Another thing is that this appears to be the only Peanut-Butter-And-Strawberry Jelly Candwich anyone has ever seen.
WOMAN: My Beck! For fun, now; no; really?
EXPERT: Really really. Two of the three sandwiches in a can are in museums in Paris and Jerusalem, and the third was sold at auction just after the 25th of Cunegonda this breeding period -- for six point eight Trillion Quatloos!
WOMAN: Oh! Oh! Oh!
EXPERT: Yes; and I would estimate this, in a retail setting, if it were sold, to be worth at least that much, probably closer to nine or even ten Trillion. I would use that figure for insurance purposes, and it easily qualifies for Class Two security coverage as a cultural relic.
WOMAN: I'm just so thrilled. I had no idea.
EXPERT: Yes. Not every day you find out you could buy yourself whaling rights in the Sea Of Japan, eh? Well, we're just so happy you brought this to the Roadshow. We'll provide you with an armored car to take this back to your breeding compound.
WOMAN: Thank you; now I can buy my sister back. All praise to the Leader!
EXPERT: All praise to the Leader.
Yes, Virginia; there are sandwiches in a can -- joining the noble canned ham, the Schlitz and Rolling Rock and Budweiser; the deviled ham, and even the little Sardine as items sealed with a shelf life for future generations to wonder at, and bring to Antiques Roadshow.
EXPERT: Well, what you've got here is, obviously, an item known as a 'Candwich', manufactured at the beginning of the century and is -- well, it's a sandwich, in a can. What can you tell me about it?
WOMAN: My father received this in exchange for some work he did during, you know -- 'The Unpleasantness' -- right before the aliens and all that. I don't remember it very well, but when the government came through during the mutant roundups, my father was taken away and we kept his belongings but never looked through them.
EXPERT: So you've had it all this time?
WOMAN: Yes. And we don't do anything with it except sniff it a little.
EXPERT: Okay. Well, this is really quite an item -- I was showing this to some of my Roadshow colleagues, and we were all quite excited. Most material manufactured prior to the alien incursion and the mutant wars either didn't survive, or was heavily contaminated and had to be destroyed. But this one stayed in your family's possession, and we have to presume you were in a Federal shelter? And it was scanned, of course.
WOMAN: Oh, yes.
EXPERT: So this one is quite safe to bring to the Roadshow. And in almost pristine condition -- a little oxidation there around the top, but that's normal; it doesn't affect the value, and we wouldn't recommend cleaning it. The colors are bright and clear; a few, small dents on the rear near the bottom -- but, again, for something this unusual, that's not an issue. We were shaking it carefully a little while ago, weren't we, and --
WOMAN: We could hear the sandwich inside!
EXPERT: Yes, we could! (Laughs) I wouldn't want to eat it, though. So, do you have any idea of its value? Have you ever had it appraised?
WOMAN: No, not really. My sister thought we should have it placed in one of the memorial ships that are fired into the Sun, but we never did.
EXPERT: Probably a good idea that you didn't. Now, I know of only three Candwich cans in existence -- and only one of them still has the sandwich inside! Another thing is that this appears to be the only Peanut-Butter-And-Strawberry Jelly Candwich anyone has ever seen.
WOMAN: My Beck! For fun, now; no; really?
EXPERT: Really really. Two of the three sandwiches in a can are in museums in Paris and Jerusalem, and the third was sold at auction just after the 25th of Cunegonda this breeding period -- for six point eight Trillion Quatloos!
WOMAN: Oh! Oh! Oh!
EXPERT: Yes; and I would estimate this, in a retail setting, if it were sold, to be worth at least that much, probably closer to nine or even ten Trillion. I would use that figure for insurance purposes, and it easily qualifies for Class Two security coverage as a cultural relic.
WOMAN: I'm just so thrilled. I had no idea.
EXPERT: Yes. Not every day you find out you could buy yourself whaling rights in the Sea Of Japan, eh? Well, we're just so happy you brought this to the Roadshow. We'll provide you with an armored car to take this back to your breeding compound.
WOMAN: Thank you; now I can buy my sister back. All praise to the Leader!
EXPERT: All praise to the Leader.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Addicted
I See... _______ Pitifully Stupid People; All The Time
Why wouldn't you be addicted to an episodic television program that presents people, trying to help other human beings, which has a serious focus around one brilliant, sarcastic (even occasionally abusive), complicated, but ultimately endearing character -- one who believes those other human beings are worth saving.
Not because of any warm and compassionate expression of the Buddha nature; but because life is weird, and hard enough; and people lie their asses off just because that's their nature -- and saving them is work.
And, I admit some similarities between Gregory House's character and personality and my own: We're both intelligent, funny in an offbeat way, and either leave 'em laughing, slightly amazed, or appalled. But, I don't get to pop Vicodin and use a cane -- though I did lose sensation in a good bit of my right leg after an attack of sciatica three years ago; it's permanent, and I can get a fine limp going after an hour or so walking, which is something I like to do. But no cane, though I own one.
Anyway, I started watching House, MD on an on-again, off-again basis -- earlier episodes, in syndication (I won't watch Fox on principle). But, like so many other programs I never watched when they were on air, I've missed a good deal of the series to date. And now, I'm as addicted to it as House is to the Vicodin.
The Whole Sick Crew, January, 2009, Left To Right: Omar Epps,
Olivia Wilde; Jennifer Morrison; Jesse Spencer; Hugh Laurie;
Lisa Edelstein; Peter Jacobsen, Before The SAG Awards
Luckily, I'm still employed; live alone with my rug and dog bowl by the heater; and have disposable income... to buy the collected Seasons of the program to date, so that I can catch up to where the series is now, which I will begin to watch on Fox just as soon as Little Rupert chokes on one of his wife's thongs.
I like it. You may like drinking beer until you pass out. Or, going to monster truck rallies (House does). And, ultimately, the show is about people working together, their relationships and personalities -- and that's what life is ultimately all about. Maybe.
Our House Is A Very Very Very Large House
(NYT Chart © 2006; Additions By Steve Barry via TBP, 2010)
A nice graphic (originally authored by Bill Marsh of the New York Times online), provided by The Big Picture, about housing prices in the United States over 120 years.
What does this chart say? That A) Median prices for homes in America skyrocketed, beginning in 1997, relative to the previous 100+ years of housing price data; and B) Why the _______ ____ did that happen?; and finally, C) Whatever the reason (You knew this already), someone was making all kinds of money.
Follow the link and read. You might learn something -- though I'm listening to Bernard Herrmann's soundtrack to the film, "The Five Fingers" right now. Don't bother me unless there's a war. Well, I mean another war.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Pretty Soon It Adds Up To Real Money
(Treemap: David McCandless, Information Is Beautiful)
The good folks at Information Is Beautiful have created an infographic (this particular style of presentation is called a treemap) showing the relative costs and value of things in calendar 2009.
(If you're a real infoporn Wonk -- god knows, I love you as only a Dog can. Go right here and connect with a spreadsheet that has all the Costing Subjects, Sourcing for each dollar amount, and of course the data. Splice and Dice! Woo Hoo!)
The top section shows such items as the annual Defense budget of the United States; the market value of Apple; the earnings made by OPEC nations from sale of their oil; the amount that Little Bernie Madoff took from his clients; and the amount men spent on ED drugs in America.
(Oh, and the full cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, so far [as of 2009]. Remember when we were told by Lil' Boots and his BFFs that it was all good, and would all be very cheap (few dollars, few lives), and besides, you can't put a price tag on Freedom? Good Times...)
The lower section, all one color, shows the worldwide cost (as of 2009 -- remember, there's been lots more fun since then) of the "Made-In-USA" worldwide financial crisis.
Hey -- enjoy!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tickle Me Hellmo (Clean American Version)
You Can't See The Sky From There, Ya Little Freak!!
This is for my friend Kim, who enjoys Elmo as much as I do.
Look, boys 'n girls: I've watched Elmo. When this little dude is in his 'room' -- is he actually in a room? No. It's a series of crayon drawings -- as if they were just figments of that plush red-orange paranoid-schizophrenic's imagination.
Occasionally, there's an actual piece of furniture; but when he takes us to his 'computer' (another crayon drawing), and ties to operate it... aw, C'mon. He's been drinking Sterno, or doing PCP. And look at the things he talks to. You think they actually exist?
And then there's all that crazy stuff he comes out with; it's like he ate a copy of Gravity's Rainbow or something. Where does he get that? And that affected, high-pitched laugh? Creeps me out.
Better be happy Elmo isn't running the country -- but, given the state of things, who can tell?
In another work life, I would have watched him wind himself up and run for about thirty seconds, before I went to a pat search -- that's all the Probable Cause I'd need. Little freak has H&S Code violation written all over him. He's got a plastic bag of Meth in his pocket (assuming he has one); I know it...
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